Posted by Big John on May 19, 2016
Recently, as I passed by the local dog
beauty grooming parlour, an elderly lady came along the street leading one of those yappy little dogs which seem to be ‘in fashion’ at the moment, and the tiny creature was not happy judging by all the noise it was making, and by the way it was attempting to go in the opposite direction.
“Stop that !” .. said the lady .. “You know how you like the young ladies in the shop”.
Yap! .. Yap! .. Yap! .. replied the dog.
“There’s a good boy now. Please be quiet for mummy”.
More … Yap! .. Yap! .. Yap! .. which ended with the little mutt taking a ‘dump’ in the middle of the footpath.
“Oh dear ! .. That’s very naughty” .. sighed the lady .. as she pulled a small plastic bag from her pocket … “Mummy is very cross with you”.
Lots more .. Yap! .. Yap! .. Yapping !
This one sided conversation went on for some time, before the old girl finally managed to drag the dog into the shop, after threatening not to let the animal play with his “bally” when they got home.
Now, here’s the question … Why do so many people believe that dogs can understand the English language ? … and how do they communicate if they own ..
.. a German Shepherd ?
Posted in humour, rant | 4 Comments »
Posted by Big John on May 14, 2016
During a clear out of years of accumulated household rubbish I came across this rather tattered picture …
… Could it be an long lost ‘old master’ ? … No, it’s not even an old ‘mister’. In fact, it’s an old ‘missus’.
Yes, it’s a hand coloured photograph of ‘she who must be obeyed’ taken during the 1930’s. Doesn’t she look cute ? …
… Even if she does look as if she is about to tell the photographer to …
… “Get a bloody move on !”
Posted in family, humour, nostalgia | 5 Comments »
Posted by Big John on May 11, 2016
Below are three press reports relating to Islam. Only one of which is true. Can you guess which one it is ?
1 … Due to London now having a Muslim mayor, the Saudi government is advertising for a Christian to take up a similar post in Riyadh.
2 … London’s buses and public transport in other UK cities will carry banner adverts featuring the Arabic phrase “Subhan Allah” for Ramadan. This idea has been taken up by the authorities in Tehrān where buses will now carry posters wishing people a “Happy Christmas”.
3 … Police who staged a mock terrorist attack featuring a bomber shouting “Allahu Akbar” have been forced to apologise for racial stereotyping.
Need a clue ? … This happened …
… on the same day !
Posted in humour, rant, religion | Leave a Comment »
Posted by Big John on May 5, 2016
I recently invested in a new ‘all singing and dancing’ Sky+HD satellite TV system, and I am now wondering .. Why ? .. for after scanning through it’s TV guide, I can find very little worth watching apart from one or two US crime series, such as ‘Blue Bloods’ (‘she who must be obeyed’ fancies Tom Selleck) and a few interesting documentaries on the ‘History Channel’ and ‘PBS America’.
Now I know that I have ranted about this before, but ‘Trash TV’ is getting beyond a joke, with an endless parade of blubbing bakers, crying cooks, distraught dancers and assorted ‘wannabes’ taking up many hours of ‘prime time’ TV. Old style game shows for the gormless seem to be back in a big way, along with lots of ‘celeb’ chat show crap for cretins.
Decent drama is hard to find and comes around about once a week if you are lucky, but don’t expect the actors to keep their clothes on, even one of my favourites, the Simla ‘soap’ better known as ‘Indian Summers’ has degenerated into more of a story of ‘rumpy-pumpy’ during the ‘Raj’ than a serious portrayal of the last days of British rule in India.
Still, it’s not all bad news. ‘Game of Thrones’ is back, so the old brainbox gets a workout, as I try to stay with the plot (is there one ?) and tell a Lannister from a Targaryan; and tonight will see me sitting in front of my TV wearing my flat cap, with a glass of stout in hand as I eagerly await the return of those 1920’s haircuts and the bloody tale of the …
… ‘Peaky Blinders’ !
Posted in entertainment, family, humour, rant | 8 Comments »
Posted by Big John on April 28, 2016
Today I had a long telephone conversation with my American cousin who lives in Upstate New York, which still seems strange to me, for I can remember a time, not so long ago, when to speak to someone on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean you would have to book the call via an international operator and wait, possibly for hours, for them to call you back after they had made the connection. It cost ‘a fortune’, the line was never very clear, and you would probably be ‘cut off’ in mid-conversation.
Now it’s as easy as calling your local Chinese ‘take-away’. If you had told me fifty years ago that I would be able to ’email’ .. ‘text’ .. ‘fax’ .. and .. ‘phone’ to the USA in an instant, I would never have believed you. Mind you, if you had told me that some Chinese bloke would be cooking sweet and sour pork just up the road …
… I wouldn’t have believed that either !
Posted in family, humour, nostalgia | 4 Comments »
Posted by Big John on April 22, 2016
Bugger it ! … Yesterday was ‘er Maj’s birthday and I forgot to send a card.
Never mind, the old gel won’t notice as every other silly old sod in the country was celebrating like crazy (if you believe the media) and showering her with cards and flowers. Why ? .. I’ve no idea, and nor, I’m pretty sure, do most of them: which is more than can be said for our grovelling politicians.
It would be mean not to congratulate any old lady who reaches the age of ninety. So I wish you a belated .. “Happy Birthday” .. yer Maj .. and ask you to keep an eye on frisky ‘Phil the Greek’, don’t trip over the corgis, carry on
worki … waving and smiling at the peasants your fans, pin another ‘gong’ on Charlie’s chest, and, whilst on that subject …
… don’t forget my bloody ‘OBE’ !
Posted in humour, rant | 4 Comments »
Posted by Big John on April 18, 2016
Yes, it could be ‘boots on the ground’ time again for 1,000 British troops, as some idiots in our so-called government are getting ready to send them to Libya.
Remember Libya ? … It was where we, and our allies, cried .. “Hooray for the Arab Spring !” .. helped Islamic extremists dispose of President Gaddafi and ensured that the place became a major disaster area.
Now, having once again, failed to learn any lessons, we intend to pay a return visit, with our soldiers being part of a multi-national task force led by .. (don’t laugh) .. the Italians !
Please don’t expect any great military strategy here. We are not talking …
… ‘Julius Caesar’ !
Posted in humour, political, rant | 1 Comment »
Posted by Big John on April 15, 2016
Bhutan looks like a beautiful country. Very ‘Lost Horizon’ and ‘Shangri-La’: but hardly a world power. In fact the UK does not even have formal diplomatic relations with the place.
So, can someone please tell me what the bloody hell that ‘thick as two short planks’ pair, ‘Weary Willy’, the ‘Dozy Duchess’ and their ‘entourage‘ are doing there ?
If this is not some major PR stunt diverting our attention from some royal ‘rumpy-pumpy’ scandal or the like, then I suppose that we are just paying for a second honeymoon, judging by all those so
romantic obviously posed trekking pictures, with not a single drop of sweat, speck of dust or a hair out of place. Six hours up and down a mountain in a leather waistcoat and ‘those boots’ ! …
… Who are they kidding ?
Posted in humour, rant | 1 Comment »