“Old age ain't no place for sissies.” .. Bette Davis

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  • My Life and Times

    I was born in 1939 BC.
    That’s ‘Before Computers’.

    Luckily I survived the following events in my life, such as

    World War II, The London Blitz, Rationing, and worst of all… Archbishop Temple’s School.




    During the mid 1950s I was enjoying Rock ‘n’ Roll and being a first generation teenager, when suddenly, just like Elvis, I found myself in uniform during ‘The Cold War’…and then




    I became ‘a family’. Which meant that I sort of missed the ‘swinging sixties’, but still managed to look a complete prat in the 70s, just like everyone else.




    During the ‘Thatcher Years’ I lost my hair and a lot of people lost a good deal more. My career fluctuated to say the least as I was demoted, promoted, fired and hired a number of times, but still I managed to stagger on into a welcome retirement and to celebrate 56 years of happy marriage.

  • July 2008
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Archive for July, 2008

A mammoth affair.

Posted by Big John on July 30, 2008

There was a very interesting programme on TV last night which suggested that Homo Sapiens was not responsible for the demise of the Neanderthals, but had, to some degree, interbred with them.

There was lots of scientific stuff about D and A testing of bones using machines that probably cost millions, and people far brighter than me discussed the resulting evidence at length.

I could have saved them all that time and money by taking them to my local pub, where on any night of the week the knuckle dragging descendants of those who took part in that Paleolithic rumpy-pumpy can be seen chewing ribs while their surly young offspring’s eyes watch you from beneath their prominent brows.

I can’t imagine wanting to mate with a smelly cavewoman (Well maybe ?), but I suppose that if you were a prehistoric man who had schlepped all the way from Africa to the middle of Europe a local hairy Mary may have had some appeal.

Ist Homo Sapiens … “I hear that there are Neanderthal women in the next valley”.

2nd Homo Sapiens … “Let’s go then !”.

1st Homo Sapiens … “Why are you running ?”

2nd Homo Sapiens … “I want to get there before the rest of our tribe”.

1st Homo Sapiens … “Why ?”

2nd Homo Sapiens … “Well you don’t want to get an ugly one

                                   …  do you ?   😕


Posted in humour | 2 Comments »

“Check this out”.

Posted by Big John on July 26, 2008

The car park at my local Sainsbury’s was unusually full the other morning… “Must be holiday makers” … I said to myself and thought no more of it, as I pushed my trolley (cart) from aisle to aisle.

“This is a colleague announcement” .. boomed the public address system .. “Will all till trained staff report to the checkouts”.

I took no notice as I was preoccupied with calculating how long it would take me to consume all those ‘3 for 2’ and ‘buy one get one free’ offers, and would they all fit into the fridge.

“Would all till trained staff and non-till trained staff report to the checkouts”.

Blimey ! They must be busy … I thought … then a few minutes later …

“Will all staff and managers report to the checkouts”.

By the time I reached those same checkouts it looked a bit like the boat deck on the Titanic with people jostling to be next in line. I squeezed in behind a man who only had one lady in front of him. Unfortunately I didn’t realize that she had four (Yes, Four !) trolleys overflowing with what must have been every special offer in the store.

Suddenly a supervisor appeared and explained that the long delays were being caused by a computer malfunction … and … most of this week’s much advertised price reductions, ‘bogoffs’ and the 5p off a litre of petrol (gas) offer were not registering on the checkout system. She explained that refunds would be given at the customer service desk.

The lady with the ‘shipping order’ turned pale, for she and a small army of packers were about halfway through filling her bags when she suddenly panicked and decided that because of the computer cock-up she wanted a ‘recount’ and was soon surrounded by a group of even more confused staff who had been handing out chocolates and trying to placate irate customers.

Another checkout suddenly opened and I came second in the ‘chariot’ race which ensued, only to be greeted by an apologetic manager who handed me a £2 voucher ($3.75) as an extra discount off my shopping bill. A small ‘result’, but better than a bloody chocolate.

As I left the store I looked at the queue for refunds at the customer service desk and decided against joining it as a bloke in a suit and a badge told me I could claim my refunds on another day.

I know that this is not a very exciting tale, but it did add a bit of ‘colour’ to my day and reminded me of less complicated times when we used to shop at the little grocers around the corner, where the the old brass cash register would ring up £1/2s/3d/¾d, and the nearest thing to a special offer was a brown paper bag full of half price broken biscuits (cookies).

I’ll be off to Sainsbury’s again next week and trust that it will be chaos free … Shit ! .. I just remembered … Next week is the start of …

the bloody kids’ summer holidays !   😦

Posted in humour | 3 Comments »

Who needs a ‘Pulitzer’?

Posted by Big John on July 23, 2008

Well bugger me, I’ve just walked up the old cyberspace red carpet again to receive yet another well deserved award. This time from my friend and fellow Francophile … ‘Terri’…  What an honour !

So as I wipe away a tear (sniffle !), in the tradition of acceptance speeches, I would like to thank all those who made this possible, including … 
The Fourth Estate (for providing me with so much inspiring crap) …
‘er Maj and her mob (for being the endless source of rant material)… 
The German Luftwaffe (for missing me) …
My local Sainsbury’s, (for having such a fine assortment of loony customers)  …
All politicians (I thank them from the heart of my bottom) …
The Royal Air Force (for all that bloody boring nostalgia) …
The Almighty’ (for providing all those religious nutters for me to castigate, and for not ‘whacking’ me with a lightning bolt)…  and speaking of whacking I ought to include …
My old school (for teaching me to .. rite prop’r English …’Er … like wot I do now).

I just can’t go on as I am getting too emotional, but before I go I must not forget .. ‘She who must be obeyed’ (for unlocking the computer for an hour every other day).

Now I understand that I have to nominate seven other bloggers for the award …

A difficult choice for I tend to read only the best, so will the following please drop to one knee whilst I (in the absence of ‘er Maj) dub thee as ‘Brilliant Webloggers’ …

OSCARANDRE – ‘The Eclectic Garden’

BETTY – ‘A Piece of my Mind’

SILVER TIGER – ‘Living and Loving in North London’

CHRIS and SHANA – ‘Life with the Frumplingtons’

MARK – ‘Longrider’

RED BARONIn the hope that his ‘words’ will soon return.

GINNIE – ‘Goldendaze-Ginnie’

OK, so Ginnie has already received this award from Terri, but my list would not be complete without her. We oldies more mature bloggers can take all the adulation.

 If you wish, you may insert the award into your blog with a link to me, but if you do not feel so inclined …

…  I accept all credit cards.  😆

Posted in humour | 8 Comments »

A dubious documentary.

Posted by Big John on July 20, 2008

In recent years many aspects of ‘young’ America have crept into the everyday lives of youngsters in this country.

Cheerleaders .. Marching Bands .. Baton Twirling .. School Year Books .. Proms .. etc. all seem so ‘un-British’ to an old fart like me, but I guess that to many kids today they are fun, and they certainly do no harm, unlike one recent US ‘import’  …

The other evening I watched a TV programme called .. ‘Sasha: Beauty Queen at 11’ .. and I have to say that I was shocked to learn that we now have a  .. ‘Junior Miss British Isles’ competition .. Britain’s first adult-style beauty pageant for children.

The programme showed a young girl being forced by her ‘scary’ mother out of her childhood and into some weird world of make-up, fake tans, hair extensions and false finger nails, in the hope that she would one day become the next .. Jordan ! .. The poor kid even described herself as .. “Pretty, blonde and DUMB” .. and at times subtitles had to be used so that viewers could understand the inane conversations taking place between moronic mother and miserable daughter. 

At one point ‘Mummy’ took Sasha and her younger brother along to a model agency specialising in children and seemed very surprised when she discovered that they only wanted fresh and natural looking kids.

The family ended up in Texas to take part in a ‘genuine’ American Beauty Pageant and received a few tips from an ‘expert mom’ who seemed to have no qualms about sexualising her pre-pubescent daughter. The pageant appeared to be a pretty ‘tatty’ affair and I saw little sign that Sasha was enjoying herself. Needless to say, she didn’t win.

I dread to think how many more demented monsterous mothers there are out there ready to inflict their ambition and own brand of cruelty on their children. I just wish that I could give each one of them …

…    a good kick up the arse !   😡

Posted in rant | 5 Comments »

The piffle of the ‘press’.

Posted by Big John on July 17, 2008

Amongst all the really important news in the papers at the moment, such as … Is Ronnie Wood bonking a teenage Russian waitress ?, or … Will Lib. Dem. MP, Lemsip Optic, (or whatever his bloody name is), give his Transylvanian ‘Cheeky Girl’ the elbow ?  or even … Will all those Anglican priests stop getting their cassocks in a twist and embrace (if that’s the right word for it ?) gay bishops ? … I came across one item that seems, for some reason, to have received little coverage …

No, it’s not the story about Barack changing his name to O’Bama to win the Irish American vote, nor is it ‘er Maj in a bikini, but the one about the man who was called a pervert for taking photographs of his own children in a case of what can only be called parental paranoia.

So despite all the shooting and starving going on in various parts of the world, nothing much appears to be happening at the moment according to most newspapers. Oh! … The price of a barrel of oil fell by $14, but they seemed to have missed that.

Sorry, I nearly forgot … The man who so bravely sent our troops off to war ‘chickened out’ of a visit to Gaza this week, while his greedy cow of a wife has agreed that she was wrong to accept payment for making a speech at a charity event in Australia. What a lovely couple ! … and speaking of ‘lovely’ (if you are a horse that is) …

I see that Sarah Jessica Parker’s mole has made the front page !

I think that it must be about time for one of those …

‘Let’s scare the shit out of them’ HEADLINES !

Posted in humour, rant | 3 Comments »

.. and not a monkey in sight.

Posted by Big John on July 14, 2008

I’m having a few computer problems at the moment, so until I’ve sorted them out here is a picture taken by me during my recent holiday in France …

…It shows a man who is obviously very proud of his organ. 😯  The man’s name can roughly be translated as ‘Big Bob’.

It would have been much more funny if his first name … 

…  had been RICHARD.  😉

Posted in humour | 3 Comments »

“You can call me Max, M’Lud”.

Posted by Big John on July 10, 2008

So ‘The Screws News of the World’ is being sued by the very rich son of a famous fascist (Here’s Daddy!) who likes having his arse spanked by young women dressed in what have been described as ‘nazi’ style uniforms.

Having been on the wrong end of a cane when at school I have to agree with one witness and say that it’s not exactly ‘my cup of tea’, but if the silly old sod enjoys it … So what ?

There have always been ladies prepared to cater for the more kinky members of our society, and in particular ‘toffs’, clerics, Members of Parliament, and of course, the judiciary, so old Max could be ‘on a winner’ here, for some newspaper reports suggest that he has found  “a sympathetic ear” in judge, Sir David Eady, who has listened “poker-faced” to all the details of bleeding bums and sadomasochistic “fantasy” play.

There is no jury in this trial, so it’s all down to that judge, who sits on the bench dressed in   .. silver buckles, black tights, silk sash, long dress and a saucy little wig  … Blimey! Never mind the nazi uniforms, that’s what …

 …   I call a real “fantasy” outfit.   🙄

Posted in humour | 1 Comment »

“We’ve been together now …”

Posted by Big John on July 8, 2008

Today is my 47th wedding anniversary.

Blimey ! Have I been living with my little führer for all those years ?

Yes, I was a mere child when one night at The Streatham Locarno I was waylaid by an older woman who swept me away on a number 59 bus to a land known as Brixton, where she had her wicked way with me, and has since ruled my life as ‘she who must be obeyed’.

I can’t say that it has been a bad marriage, although I do get a bit fed up with always getting an apron and rubber gloves for my birthday each year.

Today she has promised to take me out to lunch, so I’m making some sandwiches in the hope that we can find a vacant park bench. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have deep feelings for my old ‘trouble and strife’, in fact you might say that I worship the ground that is coming to her.

As today is a special day she has agreed that I can have a second cup of cocoa this evening, but only if I behave myself.

Fortyseven years is a very long time to spend with the same person: so if I could live my life over and do it all again … would I ?

You can bet your bloody life  …

…  I would.  😀

Posted in family, humour | 8 Comments »