bigjohn

There is many a good tune played on an old fiddle.

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  • My Life and Times

    I was born in 1939 BC.
    That’s ‘Before Computers’.

    Luckily I survived the following events in my life, such as

    World War II, The London Blitz, Rationing, and worst of all… Archbishop Temple’s School.

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    During the mid 1950s I was enjoying Rock ‘n’ Roll and being a first generation teenager, when suddenly, just like Elvis, I found myself in uniform during ‘The Cold War’…and then

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    I became ‘a family’. Which meant that I sort of missed the ‘swinging sixties’, but still managed to look a complete prat in the 70s, just like everyone else.

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    During the ‘Thatcher Years’ I lost my hair and a lot of people lost a good deal more. My career fluctuated to say the least as I was demoted, promoted, fired and hired a number of times, but still I managed to stagger on into a welcome retirement and to celebrate 56 years of happy marriage.

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Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

“Othello” it ain’t !

Posted by Big John on March 14, 2018

I’m not quite sure why Sir Vince Cable’s latest speech has received so much publicity, for I doubt if  most people in this country are seriously interested in this silly old sod’s opinions on anything: but to brand all the old farts who voted for ‘brexit’ as racists who want to recreate a world where, amongst other things, “faces were white” is disgraceful !

However, I must admit that, in general, I couldn’t care less about what colour someone’s face is, but I am beginning to wonder why so many non-white faces now fill my TV screen ?

I know that we have all got used to seeing those many TV ads showing the “dual heritage” family, and the TV News ‘man in the street’ .. Oops ! Sorry, ‘person in the street’ interviews with one white, one black, one brown interviewee, and almost certainly one wearing a hijab: but why do TV dramas have so many black characters when they are set in localities in this country where, in reality, very few people (if any) from ethnic minorities would be living or working ?

Now BBC TV ..’PC’BC TV’s latest ‘swords and sandals’ epic series .. “Troy: Fall of a City” .. brings us, not only some very dark scenes, but also a number of very dark skinned characters. … Take a look !

OK … The ancient Greeks, including Homer, probably knew something of black Africans, and Memnon’s home was thought to be in the ‘East’, perhaps in ancient Persia. As a consequence, he was thought to have a darker skin colour than the Greeks themselves, but …he definitely was not black ! .. Also it is just ridiculous to show the gods and heroes of ancient Greek mythology and history as African !

So why do it ? … I can take a guess … but, please excuse me if I just say that …

…  “It’s all Greek to me” !

 

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Posted in entertainment, History, humour, rant | 2 Comments »

Megan’s ‘mumbo-jumbo’ moment !

Posted by Big John on March 8, 2018

Please remind me … This is the 21st Century isn’t it ?

It’s hard to believe that it is, when you read that someone you thought of as a fairly bright ‘modern day’ young woman who has ‘been round the block’ a few times has been baptised by that hypocritical old cleric Justin Welby, who before he was “called by God” was a highly paid oily oil industry executive. Apparently he used ‘holy water’ from the River Jordan for the baptism.

The River Jordan ! .. I hope that water contained plenty of holy disinfectant.

Now, I may have got this wrong, but isn’t there some Church of England rule about people who live together outside of marriage not being baptised etc., so, to all appearances, the Archbishop of Canterbury has baptised Ms Markle whilst she is still openly ‘shacked-up’ at Kensington Palace with ‘Hooray Harry ?

A royal flunkey has ‘let slip’ that ‘er Maj’ has been overheard saying that …

… “One is most pissed ‘orf ! “

 

Posted in humour, religion | 1 Comment »

This time … real snowflakes !

Posted by Big John on February 28, 2018

For days now we have had countless warnings from the weather ‘experts’ about the “Beast from the East” ! .. In other words freezing weather with heavy snow being blown in all the way from Russia: so it came as no surprise when, yesterday morning, when I went to my street door to pick up my daily newspaper, I looked out, and saw this …

 

… OK ! .. I know that those of you who live in North America and other chilly parts of the world, will not think that this ‘modest’ amount of the ‘white stuff’ is something to get excited about: but here in the UK a couple of inches of snow brings total chaos to most of the country. Airports shut down ! … trains stop running ! … traffic comes to a halt ! … schools close !

Why ? … Gawd only knows ! … but you can be sure that some official idiot from the local highways department or railway operator will appear on TV to advise us that they are well prepared !

Over the years I have travelled in many parts of Europe and the USA, sometimes in appalling weather conditions. I have crossed snow covered mountain ranges, and once drove from Buffalo (NY) to Toronto stopping off at Niagara to watch the ice flows going over the falls. I’ve travelled by train across Switzerland in mid-winter and the trains were always on time. I’ve walked on city streets in other countries without fear of falling on my arse, or worse, because the pavements (sidewalks) have been cleared of ice and snow.

Now we have been warned that the UK will remain in a prolonged period of freezing weather and that “Storm Emma” is on it’s way.

So, are we ready ?  … I very much doubt it ! … but one person may be, because for the last two snowy mornings I’ve been surprised to find my newspaper …

… on the doormat !

Posted in humour, rant, travel, Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

Barmy ‘Brittania’ !

Posted by Big John on February 8, 2018

As you may recall from my previous posts I have always been a fan of ‘swords and sandals’ movies and I also enjoyed all those old ‘bathrobe’ epics way back in the 50’s and 60’s, despite the fact that most of them were complete rubbish when it came to historical facts, featured some really ‘bum’ actors and always had ‘a cast of thousands’ wearing ridiculous costumes and waving rubber swords at each other.

Now we have historical TV mini-series which I also enjoy, although sometimes for the wrong reasons. So, when I saw that there was a new series on Sky Atlantic about the second Roman invasion of Britain I thought I would give it a try.

At first I was impressed, as the depiction of Roman military life appeared to be pretty accurate with Aulus Plautius and his legionaries more or less properly equipped and ‘looking the part’.

Then ..  ‘Enter the Celts’ .. all tattoos, torques and tousled tresses, and the Druids .. all demonic, drugged and dirty.

I’m not sure if the Celts of the Cantii tribe resembled those in this drama, but, I doubt if the Druids, who in Celtic society were high class priests, political advisors, arbitrators, teachers and healers, would have resembled the ‘living dead’ from a trashy Zombie movie !

As you would expect there is plenty of blood, torture, severed heads and a man with a severed … Umm!.. let’s not go there. Let us just say that his wedding night didn’t turn out as he expected. Which is rather as I feel after looking forward to enjoying an ‘epic’ series about Roman Britain, instead of an incomprehensible mess of a fantasy drama about a mysterious land, women warriors, sadistic sorcerers and a mucky maiden following a wacky wanderer.

Julius Caesar’s previous invasion of Britain failed and he buggered off back to Gaul. I wonder, could it be true, that he reported to Rome that it was “a crazy little island and …

…  a seriously weird place” !

 

Posted in entertainment, History, humour, nostalgia | 1 Comment »

A touch screen screw-up !

Posted by Big John on January 3, 2018

A few days ago I ordered a small item from a supplier on ‘ebay’ who was offering a free ‘click and collect’ service, and although I had never used this service before, I thought that I would give it a try, as the ‘pick up’ point was at my local Sainsbury’s supermarket, so what could possibly go wrong ?

Now, ‘ebay’ advised me that they would inform me, by email or text, when my purchase was ready for collection and give a ‘collection code’ to me which I should take to the store as it would enable me to claim my package. Sounds like a quick and easy system, I thought.

Wrong ! … For when I located the touch screen into which I was supposed to enter my details on my next visit to the store, it had a big sign on it reading .. “Out of Order” !

The following day I visited the store again and it was working. Great, looks simple enough I thought as I read the instructions, only to be interrupted by a helpful nosey woman standing next to me.

“You have to touch ‘start’ first” .. she said … “Now, your name” .. she continued.

Blimey .. I thought .. I know that I’m an old fart, but do I really look that stupid ?

“Thanks, I can manage” .. I said and asked .. “Are you waiting for a package and have you been waiting long ?”

“A few minutes”.. she replied .. “Something seems to be causing a hold-up”.

Shit ! .. I thought, I knew that there would be a problem of some sort as I noticed other people standing around obviously waiting to pick up their goods.

However, the delay was not the fault of Sainsbury’s, ‘ebay’, or some supplier. In fact, the ‘hold-up’ was all the fault of my know it all kindly helper who it seemed had entered all the wrong details (including her daughter’s name instead of her own) via that touch screen which had brought the collection process to a temporary standstill !

I won’t go into detail, except to say that a young member of Sainsbury’s staff did his best to obtain the correct information from the confused woman, including asking for her ‘collection code’.

“Collection code ? .. What code is that then ? .. Oh! that one .. It’s on my smartphone”.

“Good” .. said the young man .. “Can I have it please”.

“I can’t do that” .. replied the woman … Young man “Why ?”

…   “I’ve left my phone at home” ! 

 

Posted in humour, rant | 2 Comments »

Are they ‘kidding’ ?

Posted by Big John on December 31, 2017

Sensible warning ?  ….

….  Not if it’s hidden under the food  ….

… inside that same packaging !

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Posted in humour | 2 Comments »

A ‘Diverse’ Festive Fantasy.

Posted by Big John on December 11, 2017

You may remember that this is the time of year when I go into “Bah Humbug!” mode, and this year is no exception, although, so far I have not seen that bloody ‘Coca Cola’ convoy on TV, there are plenty of other .. “Oh! Oh! Oh!” .. “Spend ! Spend! Spend!” .. adverts in every commercial break.

This year there seems to be more than a hint of a ‘PC’ element to many of those ‘friends and family gathering’ scenes so loved by the ‘retail giants’ and major supermarkets. You know, the ones showing the latest trend in flashy Christmas trees, fake snow everywhere and a dining tables loaded with food that most people would not dream of eating at any other time of year, or, like some I see seated at these tables, would never eat at any time ! .. for this year, every gathering seems to include not only white, black, brown and yellow people, and, of course, the mixed-race “dual heritage” family; but also women wearing hijabs, a Sikh in a dastaar and a dreadlocked ‘Rasta’, although so far, I have not spotted the yellow robe of a Buddhist monk.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m very much in favour of people of different ethnic backgrounds and religions getting together as, perhaps if it happened more often, it would go someway towards bringing about the Christmas message of hope for “Peace on Earth”; but do these ads ‘reflect the norm’ here in the UK ?  …

…. I very much doubt it !

Posted in humour, rant, religion | 4 Comments »

‘Ginger Whinger’ to Wed !

Posted by Big John on November 27, 2017

Yes, it’s … “Oh! what joy time” again as we learn that ‘Hooray Harry’ is to marry his American girlfriend.

Well, at least she appears to have lived in the ‘real world’ and earned a living as a pretty decent actress, so I’ll tone down my usual ‘royal family’ rant and restrict myself to wondering how she will take to living in a world inhabited by some of the weirdest people you could ever meet ?

I bet that ‘er Maj is, even now, nervously waiting for the right moment to break the news to old ‘Phil the Greek’ that his new granddaughter is …

…   ‘Irish – African American’ !

 

Posted in humour, rant | 2 Comments »