bigjohn

There is many a good tune played on an old fiddle.

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  • My Life and Times

    I was born in 1939 BC.
    That’s ‘Before Computers’.

    Luckily I survived the following events in my life, such as

    World War II, The London Blitz, Rationing, and worst of all… Archbishop Temple’s School.

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    During the mid 1950s I was enjoying Rock ‘n’ Roll and being a first generation teenager, when suddenly, just like Elvis, I found myself in uniform during ‘The Cold War’…and then

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    I became ‘a family’. Which meant that I sort of missed the ‘swinging sixties’, but still managed to look a complete prat in the 70s, just like everyone else.

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    During the ‘Thatcher Years’ I lost my hair and a lot of people lost a good deal more. My career fluctuated to say the least as I was demoted, promoted, fired and hired a number of times, but still I managed to stagger on into a welcome retirement and to celebrate 56 years of happy marriage.

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Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

A touch screen screw-up !

Posted by Big John on January 3, 2018

A few days ago I ordered a small item from a supplier on ‘ebay’ who was offering a free ‘click and collect’ service, and although I had never used this service before, I thought that I would give it a try, as the ‘pick up’ point was at my local Sainsbury’s supermarket, so what could possibly go wrong ?

Now, ‘ebay’ advised me that they would inform me, by email or text, when my purchase was ready for collection and give a ‘collection code’ to me which I should take to the store as it would enable me to claim my package. Sounds like a quick and easy system, I thought.

Wrong ! … For when I located the touch screen into which I was supposed to enter my details on my next visit to the store, it had a big sign on it reading .. “Out of Order” !

The following day I visited the store again and it was working. Great, looks simple enough I thought as I read the instructions, only to be interrupted by a helpful nosey woman standing next to me.

“You have to touch ‘start’ first” .. she said … “Now, your name” .. she continued.

Blimey .. I thought .. I know that I’m an old fart, but do I really look that stupid ?

“Thanks, I can manage” .. I said and asked .. “Are you waiting for a package and have you been waiting long ?”

“A few minutes”.. she replied .. “Something seems to be causing a hold-up”.

Shit ! .. I thought, I knew that there would be a problem of some sort as I noticed other people standing around obviously waiting to pick up their goods.

However, the delay was not the fault of Sainsbury’s, ‘ebay’, or some supplier. In fact, the ‘hold-up’ was all the fault of my know it all kindly helper who it seemed had entered all the wrong details (including her daughter’s name instead of her own) via that touch screen which had brought the collection process to a temporary standstill !

I won’t go into detail, except to say that a young member of Sainsbury’s staff did his best to obtain the correct information from the confused woman, including asking for her ‘collection code’.

“Collection code ? .. What code is that then ? .. Oh! that one .. It’s on my smartphone”.

“Good” .. said the young man .. “Can I have it please”.

“I can’t do that” .. replied the woman … Young man “Why ?”

…   “I’ve left my phone at home” ! 

 

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Posted in humour, rant | 2 Comments »

Are they ‘kidding’ ?

Posted by Big John on December 31, 2017

Sensible warning ?  ….

….  Not if it’s hidden under the food  ….

… inside that same packaging !

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Posted in humour | 2 Comments »

A ‘Diverse’ Festive Fantasy.

Posted by Big John on December 11, 2017

You may remember that this is the time of year when I go into “Bah Humbug!” mode, and this year is no exception, although, so far I have not seen that bloody ‘Coca Cola’ convoy on TV, there are plenty of other .. “Oh! Oh! Oh!” .. “Spend ! Spend! Spend!” .. adverts in every commercial break.

This year there seems to be more than a hint of a ‘PC’ element to many of those ‘friends and family gathering’ scenes so loved by the ‘retail giants’ and major supermarkets. You know, the ones showing the latest trend in flashy Christmas trees, fake snow everywhere and a dining tables loaded with food that most people would not dream of eating at any other time of year, or, like some I see seated at these tables, would never eat at any time ! .. for this year, every gathering seems to include not only white, black, brown and yellow people, and, of course, the mixed-race “dual heritage” family; but also women wearing hijabs, a Sikh in a dastaar and a dreadlocked ‘Rasta’, although so far, I have not spotted the yellow robe of a Buddhist monk.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m very much in favour of people of different ethnic backgrounds and religions getting together as, perhaps if it happened more often, it would go someway towards bringing about the Christmas message of hope for “Peace on Earth”; but do these ads ‘reflect the norm’ here in the UK ?  …

…. I very much doubt it !

Posted in humour, rant, religion | 4 Comments »

‘Ginger Whinger’ to Wed !

Posted by Big John on November 27, 2017

Yes, it’s … “Oh! what joy time” again as we learn that ‘Hooray Harry’ is to marry his American girlfriend.

Well, at least she appears to have lived in the ‘real world’ and earned a living as a pretty decent actress, so I’ll tone down my usual ‘royal family’ rant and restrict myself to wondering how she will take to living in a world inhabited by some of the weirdest people you could ever meet ?

I bet that ‘er Maj is, even now, nervously waiting for the right moment to break the news to old ‘Phil the Greek’ that his new granddaughter is …

…   ‘Irish – African American’ !

 

Posted in humour, rant | 2 Comments »

What Next .. The Fourth of July ?

Posted by Big John on November 21, 2017

‘Thanksgiving’ is celebrated every year on the fourth Thursday of November when friends and family come together for a traditional meal.

It’s an American public holiday … IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US ! … despite all the efforts of those greedy bastards who wish to cash-in ‘big time’, as they have done with bloody ‘Trick or Treat’ and other US traditions. I have even seen it being promoted as  .. ‘Brit-Giving’ !

Blimey ! .. the Pilgrims celebrated their luck at escaping from this country, although later generations of the Native Americans who attended that first feast were not so lucky.

Now, having had my little rant, I would like to say that I’m pleased to know that many British families join in this celebration with their American friends who live in this country. So, I hope that they all have a wonderful time, and wish all my friends and family across ‘the pond’ a very …

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Posted in family, History, humour, rant | Leave a Comment »

This is far more important than Brexit !

Posted by Big John on November 3, 2017

Let me say straight away that the perpetrators of serious sexual abuse should be exposed and punished; but, having said this, why am I not surprised that after the revelations about the disgusting ‘Hollywood’ goings-on by ‘Weinstein and Co’, we now find ourselves observing the ridiculous spectacle of .. ‘KNEEGATE‘ !

Now I know that our members of parliament are like a string of old Christmas tree lights .. ‘half of them don’t work, and the rest are not too bright’ .. but how, in this ‘touchy-feely’, ‘kissy-kissy’. “Mwa! .. Mwa!” world did they reach the conclusion that a touch on the knee or an inappropriate suggestion warrants so much valuable parliamentary time and such drastic actions ?  It may be unwelcome, unpleasant and deplorable behaviour, but it hardly falls in the category of …

…  ‘sexual abuse’ !

Posted in humour, political, rant | 3 Comments »

What next .. ‘Little Red Riding Hood’ .. ?

Posted by Big John on October 24, 2017

I see that the ‘snowflake’ students are in the news again. This time it’s poor old Bill Shakespeare’s more gory plays which may upset the poor little lambs, plus the ‘blood soaked’ tragedies of such amusing Greek authors as Euripides and Aristotle. One college has even warned theology students that they (I’m not making this up) may be disturbed by images of the crucifixion of Christ.

Well if that is the case I hope that the history students didn’t watch the first episode of the BBC’s new historical drama series ‘Gunpowder‘ because it would most certainly have given them a touch of the collywobbles or far worse, with it’s gruesome depiction of 16th century executions.

One scene showed an elderly naked woman being ‘pressed’ to death beneath a large door and heavy weights, and a young Catholic priest being ‘hung drawn and quartered’ with his body being disembowelled and hacked apart and his head dipped in tar and mounted on a spike: and all in the name of religion !

I’m not sure how historically accurate this drama about Guy Fawkes and the ‘Gunpowder Plot’ is, but so far it’s proved to be …

BLOODY entertaining ! .. Interesting.

Posted in entertainment, History, humour, religion | 1 Comment »

Sophie looked nice, and only one medal.

Posted by Big John on October 7, 2017

I have often (perhaps too often ?) had a little rant about ‘er Maj’s sons and how they can’t keep out of the old ‘dressing up box’, but, blimey ! I couldn’t resist another one when I saw this picture of Edward wearing the ‘tropical’ full dress uniform of Commadore of the Royal Fleet Auxiliary.

I suppose that he thought it OK to wear this outfit as RFA vessels do transport Royal Marines to where the action is, and although he has the nerve to wear seven medals, he did only spend a few weeks training as a marine before deciding all that mud, sweat and those big tough men were all too much for him, and so, he dumped his uniform and flounced off to join the ‘luvvies’ of ‘theatre land’ where I am pretty sure he must have ‘rubbed shoulders’ with more than a few gay thespians.

On a more serious note, and bearing these encounters in mind, I have to wonder why ‘H.R.W’ (His Royal Wimpness) agreed to ‘pay homage’ to a serious ‘nasty piece of work’ named Hassanal Bolkiah, the Sultan of Brunei, who is often criticised by human rights campaigners over the country’s strict Islamic laws and lack of democracy, and where homosexuals are …

… hanged or stoned to death ?

Posted in humour, political, rant | 1 Comment »