bigjohn

There is many a good tune played on an old fiddle.

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  • My Life and Times

    I was born in 1939 BC. That's 'Before Computers'. Luckily I survived the following events in my life, such as World War II, The London Blitz, Rationing, and worst of all... Archbishop Temple's School.

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    During the mid 1950s I was enjoying Rock 'n' Roll and being a first generation teenager, when suddenly, just like Elvis, I found myself in uniform during 'The Cold War'...and then

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    I became 'a family'. Which meant that I sort of missed the 'swinging sixties', but still managed to look a complete prat in the 70s, just like everyone else.

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    During the 'Thatcher Years' I lost my hair and a lot of people lost a good deal more. My career fluctuated to say the least as I was demoted, promoted, fired and hired a number of times, but still I managed to stagger on into a welcome retirement and to celebrate 54 years of happy marriage.
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Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

“Is that spelt with one ‘e’ or two ?”

Posted by Big John on August 24, 2015

Can you believe that in about five years time school teachers in this country will be addressing some young female members of their class as ‘Khaleesi’ ?

What does it mean? .. Well, it’s not a name. It’s a title, and it means .. ‘wife of the warlord’. No, it’s not Arabic and nothing to do with jihadi brides. It’s from a made-up language in the TV fantasy drama ‘Game of Thrones’, and according to an ‘Office for National Statistics’ report it’s what 53 potty parents in this country have named their babies during 2014; with more parents naming their children after other characters in the series, such as .. ‘Daenerys’ (the Khaleesi’s actual name) .. ‘Arya’ .. ‘Sansa’ .. ‘Euron’ .. ‘Theon’, and, of course, 18 babies were named after the character ‘Tyrion’, the sex mad, foul mouthed, father killing, piss artist (and so loveable) dwarf.

In recent years we have seen parents coming up with some weird and wacky names for their kids, even naming them after their favourite wine or perfume (the latest being J’adore), and, in the past, many people named their offspring after film stars and royalty, but this fantasy thing must be something new, for, when I was a youngster, I don’t remember any kids in the playground named …

…   Cinderella or Pinocchio !

Posted in humour | 6 Comments »

“pastures new”.

Posted by Big John on August 18, 2015

Following on from my last post, it was rather a case of .. “you ain’t seen nothing yet!” for after a couple of years of self employment, I found myself in an even more “wacky world” as recounted in my post of 2nd September 2007 …

“Around 1980 I worked for was employed by a very upmarket company with offices and showrooms in London’s West End, and when I think back to that time it now seems like some sort of surreal interlude in my career.

I can’t really recall how I got the job. I suppose that I must have gone through an interview of sorts, but how I was selected remains a mystery to me, for to the management of that company I must have seemed like someone from another planet, with my “blow the bloody doors off” Michael Caine accent and my ‘bolshie’ attitude.

The big boss was an ‘arty-farty’ old bag of the ‘mutton dressed as lamb’ variety; and her right-hand man was a hair flicking prat who was so vain that he only walked down streets where he could see his reflection in shop windows. They spent most of their time at ‘working lunches’, attending business seminars in such places as Aspen, or visiting trade fairs in the industrial heart of the Bahamas.

The ‘rank and file’ of the company were an assorted bunch, with a predominance of good looking young men (now I know how I got the job). How many of them got to go to Aspen or the Bahamas I never knew. The star of this show was the carefully dishevelled creep who would litter his desk with coffee cups and files and be shaving with his electric razor on the mornings when the boss arrived early. It was the nearest I ever came to seeing anyone actually doing any real work.

Attractive young women with ‘posh’ accents were much in evidence, fulfilling the roles of secretaries and personal assistants. It was one of those firms where even the P.A.’s  assistant had her own assistant.

The offices were furnished with more ‘modern classics’ than New York’s ‘MOMA’, and the whole ambience was sort of ‘Bauhaus’ with just a touch of ‘Star Trek’.

Meetings were held all the time, and the first time I was summoned to one I thought that I had stumbled on a gathering of members of ‘Poseurs Anonymous’. They sat around for much of the day discussing such important matters as … What canapés to have at the next cocktail party ? … or … Where to hold the next product launch ? .. “Not bloody Milan again dear!” … and … Which designer should they use ? .. That stunning little Mongolian woman with the eye patch and gold teeth; or that nice gay ex-Nazi with the interesting scars and blue hair ?

Now to call these characters ‘laid-back’ was a bit of an understatement for most of them were more like horizontal for most of the time: and so in an effort to fit in I adopted a less business like and more ‘aesthetic’ style. In other words I grew a beard and started wearing a pink bow tie.

Although I was only with this company for a year or two, I learned a lot about ‘image’, ‘PR’ and all sorts of other ‘bullshit’. Much of which was of great value to me later in my career.

When the time came to re-enter the ‘real world’, I was lured away by ‘an offer that I could not refuse’. Yes, I went to work for a big Italian outfit. They also held meetings which I attended, but I never knew who the old guy in the sharp suit and dark glasses was, who sat at the head of the table … and  …

….  I never asked !”

Posted in humour, nostalgia | 2 Comments »

It was fun while it lasted !

Posted by Big John on August 15, 2015

Please excuse me if I take another trip down ‘memory lane’, but it’s now more than ten years  since I retired, and I often look back on my years of hard work pissing about in the often exhilarating wacky world of sales and sales management (I’ve got a certificate to prove it !), and when I remember the companies who employed me and the people I’ve worked with; one place and time stands out in my memory … London in the mid-1970’s !

Yes, it was wide lapels, flared trousers, kipper ties and silly haircuts, and I was sales manager for a small up-market company with a head office and showroom located in a glass tower block in London’s ‘West End’. My office was a bit ‘Mad Men’ with  smoked glass walls, fashionable black, chrome and leather furniture, and a well stocked drinks cabinet with a large copy of Lichtenstein’s ‘Whaam!‘ hanging above it.

The sales force team line-up consisted of a diverse bunch which included a lapsed Jehovah’s Witness, an arty-farty designer, a nice but nutty Irishman, a couple of ‘Jack the Lads’ and a sexy ‘Sloane Ranger’. All very bright people, but like many, they had found their way into sales after failing to make a good living elsewhere.

Now, you have to understand that this was not a ‘foot in the door’ type of selling, but more of a ‘hard day at the restaurant or wine bar’ type of selling. Not exactly what you would be taught to handle on one of those hilarious sales courses (remember all those carbon paper salesmen?) where they played idiotic games and showed John Cleese training films.

Experience taught me that success in selling often came from being honest with your clients, having good contacts and ‘being in the right place at the right time’: and, although I can’t swear to it, I believe a large brown paper envelope often came in handy.

My boss was a character: an old style ‘wheeler dealer’ from an ‘East End’ Jewish family, “a real mensch” with a great sense of humour. If he attended a sales meeting you were sure to increase your knowledge of the Yiddish language and have a highly amusing time. He always had grand plans and sent me to the USA to check out the market …

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(note the ‘flares’ and the lack of a smartphone)

Unfortunately, when I returned to London, other ‘grand plans’ had led him into financial trouble and the old firm was about to go ‘tits up’, so sadly I learned another Yiddish word …

… ‘Mechuleh’ … and moved on to ‘pastures new’ !

Posted in family, humour, nostalgia | 3 Comments »

“Show me the Mummy !”

Posted by Big John on August 7, 2015

In a couple of recent posts I have criticised recent TV ‘historical’ dramas such as ‘Black Sails’ and ‘Banished’, and just as I was about to give up hope of ever seeing a good old ‘swords and sandals’ epic again, along comes ‘Tut’ !

So far I’ve only watched Part 1, and it’s not great, but it’s entertaining, and although I don’t claim to be an expert on ancient Egypt, this production seems to have recreated a somewhat believable ‘Land of the Pharaohs‘ and has mostly stuck to the very sketchy history of that part of the world nearly three and a half thousand years ago.

OK, so I know that Tutankhamun’s short life has now been turned into a historical melodrama, but at least, the Mitanni don’t mumble, Pharaoh and his followers don’t ‘effing’ swear all the time and, just for a change, the sunlight of the Moroccan locations allow you to see all the action. Of course there is plenty of ‘action’ of a different kind on show. However, sex amongst the sarcophagi has, so far, been avoided.

I’m not sure if Horemheb was a black man, I suppose he could have been a Nubian or the like, but as played by the British actor Nonso Anozie, he comes across as a pretty imposing figure of a general who became the last Pharaoh of Egypt’s 18th Dynasty.

Now, I have never been a great fan of Ben (“call me Sir“) Kingsley, but I must say that he is perfect in the part of the slightly ‘camp’ Grand Vizier, the Kohl eyed Ay. I wonder if this arrogant ars actor gave orders to the other actors on the set, and demanded that they respond with a smart salute and an …

… “Aye Aye Sir !” …  ;-)

Posted in entertainment, humour | 2 Comments »

So, where’s his crutch and parrot ?

Posted by Big John on July 24, 2015

One of my favourite books when I was young was ‘Treasure Island’ by Robert Louis Stevenson, so, as I sometimes enjoy watching TV ‘historical’ costume dramas,  I was pleased to see that a new series was coming to the ‘History Channel’ called ‘Black Sails’ which was billed as a ‘prequel’ to Stevenson’s stirring tale of pirates and the hunt for Captain Flint’s treasure.

Last night I caught up with episode one of what I hoped would be a swashbuckling tale, but I doubt that I shall bother with episode two. Oh, it was about pirates alright, but it was often difficult to tell one from another underneath all the scars, sweat and hair: and the dirty shaven headed lookalikes really had me confused.

John Silver was depicted as a bit of a clown and showed that he still had two legs at this time, in what was a completely unnecessary orgy scene. Of course, there was the now obligatory lesbian sex romp and much use of those four letter ‘F’ and ‘C’ words, which sound ten times worse when being uttered by a pretty young actress, who I’m sure didn’t mean her cat when she referred to her “pussy” !

None of the pirates broke into … “Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum” … but I did rather like the evocative theme music.

I expect that the story line will, at sometime, get around to Captain Flint burying his Spanish treasure, but before that I suspect that most of the screen time will not be taken up with the daring deeds of bold buccaneers, but with lots more …

… bare bums, boobs and bonking !

Posted in humour, nostalgia, rant | 3 Comments »

It’s what kids do !

Posted by Big John on July 21, 2015

I see that the toadies at Buckingham Palace got it all arse about face last week when they released their stories about Willy the brave part-time air ambulance co-pilot and “hero” Harry, saviour of the Rhino, as these PR stunts are usually brought into play after ‘the shit hits the fan’ about some ‘royal’ misbehaving, not before: and who looks like they were in trouble this time ? Well, non other than ‘er Maj’ herself.

Now, I never thought that I would see myself defending (reluctantly) the sour old sovereign, but, although it is well known that Uncle David (Later Edward VIII) and many members of the aristocracy were fans of the Führer, I doubt very much that a seven year old pampered English princess was about to run off and join the Nazi ‘Bund Deutscher Mädel’.

Yes, she was just seven, playing in the garden with her parents. It was only 1933, and not many people knew the truth about the Nazis plans. In fact, to many, Hitler was just a funny little man with a toothbrush moustache and hair hanging over one eye (remember Charlie Chaplin).

It was all a very long time ago, but I can still remember my young friends  coming out of the cinema after Saturdays’ children’s movie matinee shouting .. “Put your hand up if you want to play Hopalong Cassidy or Robin Hood !”

Perhaps Uncle David had a premonition and shouted .. “Put your hand up if you want to play …

… Kings and Queens !”

Posted in humour, nostalgia, political, rant | 3 Comments »

“It’s all Greek to me”.

Posted by Big John on July 16, 2015

Aah ! .. Greece .. The birthplace of democracy, home to Aristophanes and, of course Homer. Land of, what were once, friendly smiling people who served some pretty boring food and lousy wine in quaint tavernas.

Here is a photo taken in such a place …

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… No, it wasn’t taken today, and it’s not some sweaty Greek bloke who has just heard that his country is now owned and run by Führer Frau Merkel and her faithful followers across the European Reich Union.

It’s me, and it was taken more than thirty years ago on the island of Corfu, as I was wondering if that was a black olive on top of the taramasalata, or …

… did it just move ?

Posted in humour, political, rant | 5 Comments »

Another accolade. Well it’s about bloody time !

Posted by Big John on July 9, 2015

Sound the trumpets, beat the drums and roll out the red carpet for I have to thank a lady who I have never met (promise) who has nominated me for  ….

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OK, so it’s not some ancient order of chivalry or even one of those ‘showbiz’ statuette thingies, but it means a lot to this old bugger blogger, who for more than ten years has been churning out all sorts of crap, in the hope that there are still a few people out there who have a sense of humour, appreciate common sense, don’t believe all that they see and read in the media, are tolerant of others beliefs and don’t give a shit about who is going to win at Wimbledon !

Now at this point I am supposed to …

1. ‘Thank and list the blog address of the person who nominated me’ …       Thanks a lot Lin … http://dun-na-sead-rising.blogspot.co.uk/

2. ‘Nominate 10 to 20 others and tell them I am nominating them’. Sorry but I must opt out here, because, in the past I have nominated bloggers for similar awards etc. and some do not appreciate the compliment or are too embarrassed to respond.

If this excludes me from the ranks of the noble ‘Creative Bloggers’, perhaps I can be an ‘honoury’ CB ? You know, a bit like when an American citizen is knighted by ‘er Maj’, only not quite as ridiculous.

3. ‘Tell five things about myself no one knows’.

  1. My Dad used to throw me in the river to teach me how to swim.   Swimming was easy. Getting out of the sack was the hard part.
  2. As a youngster I played the cornet in The Brixton Boys Silver Band. I mimed for most of the time, even during the quiet bits.
  3. I’m not too keen on dogs, but I love Chinese food.
  4. I don’t believe in all that man made global warming/climate change propaganda. Neither do the polar bears.
  5. I’ve never ‘tweeted’ in my life, but then again, I’ve never been ‘trolled’.

By the way, just as with the British Honours system, I will accept ‘volunteers’ who wish to be nominated for this award. Just put your details and a wad of cash in a brown envelope and let me know …

… where to collect it ! 

Posted in humour | 4 Comments »

 
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