bigjohn

There is many a good tune played on an old fiddle.

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  • My Life and Times

    I was born in 1939 BC. That's 'Before Computers'. Luckily I survived the following events in my life, such as World War II, The London Blitz, Rationing, and worst of all... Archbishop Temple's School.

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    During the mid 1950s I was enjoying Rock 'n' Roll and being a first generation teenager, when suddenly, just like Elvis, I found myself in uniform during 'The Cold War'...and then

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    I became 'a family'. Which meant that I sort of missed the 'swinging sixties', but still managed to look a complete prat in the 70s, just like everyone else.

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    During the 'Thatcher Years' I lost my hair and a lot of people lost a good deal more. My career fluctuated to say the least as I was demoted, promoted, fired and hired a number of times, but still I managed to stagger on into a welcome retirement and to celebrate 54 years of happy marriage.
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Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

“And his name shall be called Gizmo”.

Posted by Big John on February 8, 2016

I don’t know if there is a god of things technical and mechanical, but if there is, I must have pissed him off in some way, because during recent weeks I have suffered …

  • A washing machine breakdown resulting in me having to ‘fork out’ for a new one.
  • A ‘Sky+’ TV malfunction which meant that old style ‘box’ had to be changed twice, and finally be replaced by the latest model.
  • A car that wouldn’t start, so I had to call the AA and then buy a new battery.
  • A computer that couldn’t tell the time and needed a visit to my local ‘PC Clinic’.
  • A table lamp that went ‘fizz’ then ‘pop’ !
  • A couple of minor mishaps with gadgets in the kitchen, including a coffee machine that wasn’t too perky (Oops ! Sorry).
  • And ‘last but not least’, the loss of my home access to the internet !

Should I try and placate this unknown deity with some form of sacrifice ? I suppose that it’s worth a try: but what should I offer up ?

I know. I’ll put that clapped out old toaster out of it’s misery by letting it immolate itself. That should do the trick. Well, at least, it’s cheaper than …

… smashing my smartphone.

 posted via BT wi-fi ‘Hot Spot’

Posted in humour | 1 Comment »

Is that Gandalf on the Bayeaux Tapestry ?

Posted by Big John on January 6, 2016

I suppose that I should no longer be surprised when I read of how people in this country know so little (if anything) of our history, and, once again, an on-line poll has found that those nobles who struggled to rule England in the 11th century are less well known than claimants to the throne in the ‘Game of Thrones’ TV series.

Now, in this age of so-called ‘Reality’ TV, with it’s narcissistic presenters, phoney weeping ‘celebs’, screaming audiences, fixed ‘Talent’ shows, and dodgy ‘docudramas’, I have to wonder how many mor.. people, who’s lives seem to revolve around such entertain… crap, believe that programmes like ‘Game of Thrones’ and the new ‘Beowulf’ saga are our true history ?

The year 1066 is probably the best known date in English history. The Battle of Hastings was won by William Duke of Normandy, who then became king.

Yes, it actually happened. It’s true history, unlike those entertaining TV fantasies.

“Fantasies” ! … How can you tell ? … Well, let’s start with those …

… fire breathing dragons !

Posted in entertainment, humour, rant | 3 Comments »

A Very Happy Christmas to you all…

Posted by Big John on December 22, 2015

Xmas 2015

… from

BOTH OF US

;-)

Posted in family, humour | 4 Comments »

Another ‘climate change’ con !

Posted by Big John on December 16, 2015

I recently bought a small table lamp at my local ‘Homebase’ store. That was easy. The hard part was trying to find the correct light bulb for it. Even one of the sales staff was confused by the shelves full of dozens of different bulbs which we are now forced to use.

What will they change next in their quest to ‘save the planet’ (and make a fortune) ? .. I wondered.

Now I know … Gas must go ! .. That means the natural gas which we rely on to heat our homes and cook our food.

Of course this bright idea comes from the recent Paris jolly summit, where our Dave said … ‘This global deal now means that the whole world has signed to play its part in halting climate change.” … No it doesn’t ! .. It means that the UK government will fall over it’s self to comply with any new regulations, while most of the rest of the world’s leaders nod, smile, go home and …

… don’t ‘give a shit’ !

Posted in humour, political, rant | 2 Comments »

“Beliefs are what divide people. Doubt units them” .. Peter Ustinov

Posted by Big John on December 10, 2015

I see that nearly 50% of people in this country now claim to be non-religious, with, according to a recent inquiry, only two in five British people now identifying as Christian; with Islam, Hinduism and Sikhism overtaking Judaism as the largest non-Christian faiths in Britain: and with many of the Christian faith moving away from mainstream denominations to evangelical and Pentecostal churches.

I suppose that this means that the UK is no longer officially a Christian country: but why the move away from traditional Christian beliefs ?

Could it be that more and more people have, like me, come to doubt that Jesus Christ ever existed ? … for there is no actual proof that he did.

Please feel free to correct me, but to the best of my knowledge, Christianity is not based on true historical accounts of the time, such as official Roman or Jewish records, but on some very dodgy documents known as the gospels, the first of which was probably written during nutty Nero’s persecution of the Christians in Rome, long after the miraculous events recounted in The Bible.

Other ‘gospels’ are believed to have been written a hundred or more years later, and, over the centuries, these were often incorrectly translated, rewritten, embellished and generally mucked about with by countless priests, scribes, monks and assorted religious zealots.

If Jesus did exist, and to me, it’s a big ‘if’, he was probably just one of the dozens of preachers and ‘wannabe’ Messiahs who were roaming the Holy Land at the time, frightening the sheep, dunking people in the river … and …

… pissing off the Romans !

Posted in humour, religion | 4 Comments »

Remembering agony with my Aunt.

Posted by Big John on December 4, 2015

It’s been some time since I delved into the old family photo album, so here’s part of a group photo of my father’s very large family. It was taken around 100 years ago …

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… and shows my grandfather and five of my aunts and uncles.

Do you notice anything strange about the young lady sitting to the left of my granddad ? I never noticed it until recently, but her left leg appears to be missing !

Then I remembered that as a child I was fascinated by the long leather lace-up boots that she always wore, as the left one had a sole and heel several inches thick. In this photo she is hiding it from view as she was probably embarrassed by her handicap.

Her name was Harriet and she once worked as a seamstress. She never married, but spent much of her life living and travelling with a rather posh lady with a French name, who taught the piano and ran the local branch of the Women’s League of Health & Beauty. She was rather bossy, and I well remember my mother reluctantly dragging me along to the local school assembly hall to watch awful displays by women of all ages, shapes and sizes, prancing about in bare feet, with balls and hoops, whilst wearing short diaphanous tunics, as ‘Florence’ banged away at the piano.

The display was very much a ‘warts and all’ affair (sometimes literally) with little in the way of  ‘health and beauty’ on show, but plenty of wobbly bits, pallid flesh, knock-knees, corns, bunions and more blue veins that a Stilton cheese.

Obviously my aunt played no part in these activities, apart from handing round some meagre refreshments (food rationing was still in force) and I have no idea if she enjoyed the spectacle: .. and .. as for me ?

Well, to this day I am still haunted by …

… the ‘horror’ of it all.  :-)

Posted in family, humour, nostalgia | 3 Comments »

Now you won’t get a prayer with your popcorn.

Posted by Big John on November 24, 2015

I see that the ‘someone will be offended’ brigade are at it again !

Blimey ! .. It was only recently that I was ranting about sausage rolls and bacon sandwiches supposedly offending every Ahmed, Moishe, Sanjit and Hardeep in the country.

Now it’s a cinema ad which shows a number of people from different walks of life, including the Archbishop of Canterbury, reciting the Lord’s Prayer.

Who could possibly be offended by that ? … Could it be our Muslim fellow citizens ? .. I hear you ask.

Well, .. No ! .. is the answer according to Ibrahim Mogra, of the Muslim Council of Britain,  who said … “I am flabbergasted that anyone would find this prayer offensive to anybody, including people of no particular religious belief“; which I suppose includes this old atheist.

On the other hand as one who dislikes all forms of ‘evangelism’ and religious mumbo-jumbo, I suppose that I should go along with Terry Sanderson, president of the National Secular Society, who argued that the Church of England is … “arrogant to imagine it has an automatic right to foist its opinions upon a captive audience”: but in this case I really find it hard to object and I’m certainly not offended, for I always smile when I remember my very dumb young classmates reciting … “Our Father which art in heaven  …

Harold be they name”…  :-)

Posted in humour, rant, religion | 3 Comments »

“Say that again !”

Posted by Big John on November 6, 2015

Is it me, or are our young people all practising to be ventriloquists ?

For some time I’ve wondered if my old ears were letting me down, and then I noticed that when I watched young students and others being interviewed on TV many of them hardly parted their lips and emitted what I can only describe as a whispered monosyllabic mumble without any trace of intonation or enunciation.

I suppose that in this day and age having the ability to speak fluently and coherently is beginning to seem less important as fewer face to face conversations take place, and, sad to say, many find it difficult to communicate without having at hand some device which allows them to use text gibberish, ’emojis’, and ..

… the “like”  !  .. :-(

Posted in humour, rant | 2 Comments »

 
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