bigjohn

There is many a good tune played on an old fiddle.

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  • My Life and Times

    I was born in 1939 BC. That's 'Before Computers'. Luckily I survived the following events in my life, such as World War II, The London Blitz, Rationing, and worst of all... Archbishop Temple's School.

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    During the mid 1950s I was enjoying Rock 'n' Roll and being a first generation teenager, when suddenly, just like Elvis, I found myself in uniform during 'The Cold War'...and then

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    I became 'a family'. Which meant that I sort of missed the 'swinging sixties', but still managed to look a complete prat in the 70s, just like everyone else.

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    During the 'Thatcher Years' I lost my hair and a lot of people lost a good deal more. My career fluctuated to say the least as I was demoted, promoted, fired and hired a number of times, but still I managed to stagger on into a welcome retirement and to celebrate 50 years of happy marriage.
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Archive for the ‘rant’ Category

A quiet pint ? .. No chance !

Posted by Big John on February 19, 2015

There is a large sign outside my local pub which reads “Half term holiday .. Kids eat for £1″ which means that this establishment is definitely a ‘no-go area’ for the present. That is unless, of course, you like your steak and chips accompanied by screaming brats and having your drink knocked over by someone’s totally out of control little angel. If you are really unlucky you might be treated to some mini-monster’s tantrum at the next table, or a mouthful of abuse (and food) from some burger munching mother who thinks you are a paedophile for daring to glance sideways at her table banging brood.

Now I know that the days of .. “children should be seen and not heard” .. are long gone, and Um ! I’m not quite rightly so: but Blimey ! there are hundreds of places to take the kids for a meal: places that are truly ‘family friendly’, where the little darlings can stuff themselves with junk food, slurp that slushy stuff they so love and avoid miserable old farts like me.

So, I’m afraid that, in my grumpy opinion, children and pubs just do not mix: and, am I missing something here, or can it really be that the greedy giant brewery chains, who have ruined so many of our traditional hostelries, make more profit from chicken nuggets, fish fingers and slices of pizza served to youngsters, who would probably like to be somewhere else, than they would make from all those ‘three courses and a bottle of wine or two’ adults who see the sign .. “Family Friendly” .. as a warning to ..

… stay away !

Posted in humour, rant | 4 Comments »

The gold braid bunch.

Posted by Big John on February 14, 2015

A few days ago potty Prince Charlie was said to have plans to change our ridiculous honours system, by limiting the gongs and orders handed out each year. Can you believe that this suggestion comes from a man who covers his many uniforms in medals and shiny stars given to him by his mum ?

Now we learn that ‘mum’ has arranged for Charlie’s younger brother Andy to be made a Vice Admiral in the Royal Navy. Surely some royal toady at the palace will be fired for not pointing out to ‘er Maj that Randy Andy is up to his neck in a so called sex-slave ‘vice‘ scandal at the moment ? … Well, perhaps not: for who knows what the rest of the freeloaders get up to on yet more holidays in Verbier or St. Barts ?

In the meantime sister Anne has donned her Admiral of the Fleet uniform to present some nutty old dame of a dress designer with the insignia of a real ‘Dame’. Gawd knows why ? … but then again, Gawd knows why this ‘fantasy land’ family, who symbolise arrogance and elitism, still receive bows and curtseys from plebs people who live in …

… the real world !

Posted in humour, political, rant | 2 Comments »

The Royal Snail Mail !

Posted by Big John on February 10, 2015

I recently ordered a small item from a company based in Pennsylvania USA. It was posted, via the United States Postal Service, 1st class package, International Service (Tracked), on 29th January and arrived at JFK Airport (via a couple of sorting depots) on 31st January. It was put on a plane, bound for London’s Heathrow Airport that same night.

So ! .. Distance from Pennsylvania supplier to JFK Airport, about 100 miles. JFK to Heathrow, flight distance 3,500 miles … Total time taken … 3 days ! … Not bad service !

It arrived in the UK early on 1st February, but did not reach my home until 7th February, via ‘Royal Mail’. … Distance from Heathrow to my house ? … 65 miles ! … Time taken to cover that distance …

…   7 bloody days !

Posted in rant | 4 Comments »

A dangerous distraction !

Posted by Big John on January 19, 2015

It was a wet and windy day and I was just about to pull out of a parking space, when I noticed a cyclist wobbling all over the place and heading towards my car, when suddenly, he mounted the pavement (sidewalk), riding along it (still wobbling) for some distance before turning into muddy patch of lawn and disappearing behind a small office building.

So what’s so remarkable about that ? … you may wonder.

Well, as far as I could see, not once did his eyes leave the screen of his smartphone or his thumb stop texting !

What could have been so important that he couldn’t wait a few minutes to get out of the wind and rain before sending his message ?

This crazy bloke was probably risking serious injury (or worse) just to tell someone something he could have told them at any time.

He was just like one of my nutty neighbours, who immediately he leaves his car in the street, pulls out his ‘mobile’ and starts texting as he crosses the road to his house. Unless he gets run over, we’re talking about ten seconds here ! … Just about time to say …

… “I’m home dear” !

Posted in humour, rant | 4 Comments »

So, what’s new ?

Posted by Big John on January 3, 2015

My miserable week has been brightened up considerably by the news that the number one prince of parasites ‘Randy Andy’ is up to his neck in princely poop due to some ‘alleged’ royal rumpy-pumpy, so you must excuse me if I indulge myself in a few moments (well actually more than a few) of ‘schadenfreude’.

OK, so our so-called ‘royals’ have always been a bed-hopping bunch. Queen Victoria’s son, who later became King Edward VII, wasn’t called ‘Dirty Bertie’ for nothing: and it is well know that the old girl herself had a problem keeping her naughty knickers on. In fact, the list of royal sex scandals is endless, with everything from bi-sexual drug addict dukes, and duchesses having their toes sucked, to rumours about old royal queens uncles chasing naked young guardsmen around the palace gardens at midnight !

I see that Buckingham Palace has issued a strongly worded denial of allegations that Prince Andrew was involved in “impropriety with underage minors”.

This denial reminds me of another great British sex scandal, only this one was political, which featured the late great Mandy Rice-Davies and that now famous quotation which she uttered when she heard that Lord Astor had denied that the affair happened …

… “He would, wouldn’t he?”

Posted in humour, political, rant | 2 Comments »

… and now ! …

Posted by Big John on December 31, 2014

… It’s …

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Well not quite, as I feel like shi .. I have flu: but how can this be ? .. I had my flu jab in October after taking advice from the NHS, like the good little old fart that I am; but it didn’t bloody work !

Oh, well ! … Back to the armchair, the welcoming fire, the paracetamol and a nice cup of

… a good stiff drink !

ALL THE BEST FOR 2015

Posted in family, humour, rant | 2 Comments »

Here we go again. – Part Ten

Posted by Big John on December 16, 2014

I suppose that I must have imagined it, but didn’t I once, not so long ago, hear a lying basta… government minister tell us that our troops would never return to Iraq and that there would never again be any British ‘boots on the ground’ in Middle Eastern conflicts ?

Now it’s been revealed rumoured that British Special Forces have conducted a series of attacks and are believed to have killed hundreds of ‘IS’ jihadis. It has also been announced that we will be sending hundreds of our soldiers to train Iraqi recruits, and that the USA has announced that it is committing 1,500 troops in the same role, while up to 400 Australian soldiers and 100 German (Blimey !) personnel will also be involved.

Umm ?.. Training? .. Why am I reminded about Vietnam, all those American ‘advisors’, and that old joke about rifles issued to the American trained ARVN (South Vietnamese Army) which where sold as army surplus and labelled ..

…  “Never been fired and only dropped once” !

Posted in humour, political, rant | 4 Comments »

Weird or what ?

Posted by Big John on December 13, 2014

Ever heard of .. ‘Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response’ .. ? .. No, me neither !

Well, if you really want to know what a ‘bonkers’ world we now live in, you couldn’t find a better example than the thousands of people who claim to experience pleasure from listening to whispers and scratchy noises in a bizarre phenomenon known as ‘A.S.M.R’. Some even claim to go all tingly when watching someone folding towels.

No, I’m not making this up … Read about it … Here !

One thing that you can be sure of is that once the ‘alternative therapy’ merchants get in on the act, these ‘susceptible individuals’ will soon be listening to the ‘scratchy noise’ of someone else counting what had previously been …

…  their money !

Posted in humour, rant | 1 Comment »

 
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