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Archive for the ‘rant’ Category

Here we go again. – Part Eleven

Posted by Big John on March 28, 2015

Just when I thought that I had learned a little bit about the almighty mess that is the Middle East, with all of it’s blood thirsty tribal loonies and Arabic speaking arseholes shouting “Allāhu Akbar” as they fire their Kalashnikovs into the air, before they get on with the serious work of killing each other: and just when I have learned to call ‘ISIS’ the ‘Islamic State’, along comes a new mob of religious rebels who want to take over Yemen (and who knows what else ?). They are the ‘Houthi’ and are Shia Muslims.

Now the ‘happy go lucky’ Saudi Arabians and their Sunni mates are a bit pissed off to say the least, and even ISIS, Oops ! I mean the Islamic State and Al-Qaeda want to kick the Houthi’s arse, or more likely, well let’s just say, do what all good jihadis so love to do in the name of a peace loving religion.

The leader of the powerful Shia Hezbollah militia mocked the Saudi-led offensive, calling the Saudis .. “lazy losers” .. which is strange as I believe that President Obama is backing the Saudis, which again, is confusing me because the USA has been on better terms with Iran recently, and that Shia state is said to be the power behind the Houthi rebels.

I think that I should stop now, because it’s only likely to get even more confusing, but I would just like to say that, of course, the UK government has offered to support Saudi Arabia … and 

… Brent oil prices spiked 6% to $58 a barrel !

Posted in humour, political, rant, religion | 1 Comment »

Dastardly King Dick’s Departure.

Posted by Big John on March 24, 2015

If ever you wanted to see the eccentric English people at their barmy best, then you couldn’t have wished for a better example than the five day send-off being given to a king who was cast as an evil and twisted villain by the Tudors, and was then immortalised as a hunchbacked evil schemer by William Shakespeare.

Now it would seem that (after some 500 years and not a few dead bodies) he wasn’t such a bad bloke after all. In fact King Richard III seems to have quite a following of fans, if the thousands of people who turned out to see his coffin are anything to go by.

Now at this point I have to say that I could have done without all the religious ‘mumbo-jumbo’, but, even as a ‘republican’ history nut, I quite enjoyed (perhaps for the wrong reasons) all those medieval moments, with the men in armour, the horses, the banners, the beating drums and the booming cannons: but what really surprised me was the respect shown by all those slightly potty people, who queued for hours outside the cathedral to get a look at the coffin of a murderous monarch who lost his horse and was hacked to death in 1485: and although I saw the whole event as more than a bit bonkers, one thing did strike me, which was that, even in this land of ever increasing boorish behaviour, the spectators were behaving with some degree of dignity until, that is, there was that dopey ‘Diana’ display, as Yorkist white roses where flung at the coffin, and some ‘Plantagenet’ plonker in the crowd yelled …

… “Long live King Richard !”

Posted in humour, nostalgia, rant, religion | 4 Comments »

Green is for grass … Not glass !

Posted by Big John on March 18, 2015

I can remember a time when two rather magnificent horses pulled a huge grey coloured cart along the street where I lived; and when a couple of big strong men wearing leather jerkins and flat caps hoisted large metal dustbins (trash cans) onto their broad shoulders before emptying them into the cart. As I recall, these ‘dustmen’ where usually friendly blokes, who cheerfully chased us kids away when we would hung on the back of the cart for a ride.

Yes, in those far off days the collection of household waste was a simple affair. You threw your rubbish into a bin, put the lid on it, left it outside your front door and thought no more about it !

Now I have five plastic bins into which I have to sort my trash … One with a red lid for paper and cardboard … One with a green lid for garden waste such as grass cuttings … One with a blue lid for glass, cartons and plastic containers … One small grey container for food waste .. and .. One large bin with a grey lid for any other rubbish: and I must beware ! .. for the interior of each bin is inspected before the crew of orange clad ‘waste management operatives’ remove your garbage: for should you accidentally drop a paper bag in the blue bin, a Stasi sanitary supervisor will descend from the giant collection vehicle, with it’s flashing lights and noisy crushing machine, not, as common sense would dictate, to move the offending article to the correct bin; but, in typical ‘jobsworth’ fashion, to order the ‘defiled’ bin to be left by the roadside un-emptied, and bearing a warning notice, so that your neighbours are made aware that they are living close to a dumb-arsed dumper who must be a recycling reprobate.

OK, so I know that recycling is a good idea, but dragging those bins to the kerbside is becoming a ‘pain in the arse’ (literally), and I have to wonder, just how much of what I carefully sort every week ends up being transformed into something useful and how much ends up stinking up what used to be some poor sod’s …

… “green and pleasant land” ?

Posted in humour, nostalgia, rant | 3 Comments »

Sometimes it’s baked beans.

Posted by Big John on March 15, 2015

Continuing with the subject of my last post, this extract from a popular national newspaper (we all know which one) is a classic example of .. ‘a load of old bollocks’ … when it refers to ‘the do nothing duchess’ … as … “Kate exhausted by the rigours of pregnancy and looking after an energetic toddler” .. and .. “Kate and William can be grand, of course (I bet they can !), but they love it when Carole (the demon mother-in-law) brings them cheese on toast” ! .. When she does  …

… I bet it pisses off the butler !

Posted in humour, rant | 1 Comment »

A quiet pint ? .. No chance !

Posted by Big John on February 19, 2015

There is a large sign outside my local pub which reads “Half term holiday .. Kids eat for £1″ which means that this establishment is definitely a ‘no-go area’ for the present. That is unless, of course, you like your steak and chips accompanied by screaming brats and having your drink knocked over by someone’s totally out of control little angel. If you are really unlucky you might be treated to some mini-monster’s tantrum at the next table, or a mouthful of abuse (and food) from some burger munching mother who thinks you are a paedophile for daring to glance sideways at her table banging brood.

Now I know that the days of .. “children should be seen and not heard” .. are long gone, and Um ! I’m not quite rightly so: but Blimey ! there are hundreds of places to take the kids for a meal: places that are truly ‘family friendly’, where the little darlings can stuff themselves with junk food, slurp that slushy stuff they so love and avoid miserable old farts like me.

So, I’m afraid that, in my grumpy opinion, children and pubs just do not mix: and, am I missing something here, or can it really be that the greedy giant brewery chains, who have ruined so many of our traditional hostelries, make more profit from chicken nuggets, fish fingers and slices of pizza served to youngsters, who would probably like to be somewhere else, than they would make from all those ‘three courses and a bottle of wine or two’ adults who see the sign .. “Family Friendly” .. as a warning to ..

… stay away !

Posted in humour, rant | 4 Comments »

The gold braid bunch.

Posted by Big John on February 14, 2015

A few days ago potty Prince Charlie was said to have plans to change our ridiculous honours system, by limiting the gongs and orders handed out each year. Can you believe that this suggestion comes from a man who covers his many uniforms in medals and shiny stars given to him by his mum ?

Now we learn that ‘mum’ has arranged for Charlie’s younger brother Andy to be made a Vice Admiral in the Royal Navy. Surely some royal toady at the palace will be fired for not pointing out to ‘er Maj that Randy Andy is up to his neck in a so called sex-slave ‘vice‘ scandal at the moment ? … Well, perhaps not: for who knows what the rest of the freeloaders get up to on yet more holidays in Verbier or St. Barts ?

In the meantime sister Anne has donned her Admiral of the Fleet uniform to present some nutty old dame of a dress designer with the insignia of a real ‘Dame’. Gawd knows why ? … but then again, Gawd knows why this ‘fantasy land’ family, who symbolise arrogance and elitism, still receive bows and curtseys from plebs people who live in …

… the real world !

Posted in humour, political, rant | 2 Comments »

The Royal Snail Mail !

Posted by Big John on February 10, 2015

I recently ordered a small item from a company based in Pennsylvania USA. It was posted, via the United States Postal Service, 1st class package, International Service (Tracked), on 29th January and arrived at JFK Airport (via a couple of sorting depots) on 31st January. It was put on a plane, bound for London’s Heathrow Airport that same night.

So ! .. Distance from Pennsylvania supplier to JFK Airport, about 100 miles. JFK to Heathrow, flight distance 3,500 miles … Total time taken … 3 days ! … Not bad service !

It arrived in the UK early on 1st February, but did not reach my home until 7th February, via ‘Royal Mail’. … Distance from Heathrow to my house ? … 65 miles ! … Time taken to cover that distance …

…   7 bloody days !

Posted in rant | 4 Comments »

A dangerous distraction !

Posted by Big John on January 19, 2015

It was a wet and windy day and I was just about to pull out of a parking space, when I noticed a cyclist wobbling all over the place and heading towards my car, when suddenly, he mounted the pavement (sidewalk), riding along it (still wobbling) for some distance before turning into muddy patch of lawn and disappearing behind a small office building.

So what’s so remarkable about that ? … you may wonder.

Well, as far as I could see, not once did his eyes leave the screen of his smartphone or his thumb stop texting !

What could have been so important that he couldn’t wait a few minutes to get out of the wind and rain before sending his message ?

This crazy bloke was probably risking serious injury (or worse) just to tell someone something he could have told them at any time.

He was just like one of my nutty neighbours, who immediately he leaves his car in the street, pulls out his ‘mobile’ and starts texting as he crosses the road to his house. Unless he gets run over, we’re talking about ten seconds here ! … Just about time to say …

… “I’m home dear” !

Posted in humour, rant | 4 Comments »


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