bigjohn

There is many a good tune played on an old fiddle.

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  • My Life and Times

    I was born in 1939 BC. That's 'Before Computers'. Luckily I survived the following events in my life, such as World War II, The London Blitz, Rationing, and worst of all... Archbishop Temple's School.

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    During the mid 1950s I was enjoying Rock 'n' Roll and being a first generation teenager, when suddenly, just like Elvis, I found myself in uniform during 'The Cold War'...and then

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    I became 'a family'. Which meant that I sort of missed the 'swinging sixties', but still managed to look a complete prat in the 70s, just like everyone else.

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    During the 'Thatcher Years' I lost my hair and a lot of people lost a good deal more. My career fluctuated to say the least as I was demoted, promoted, fired and hired a number of times, but still I managed to stagger on into a welcome retirement and to celebrate 50 years of happy marriage.
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Are there “Fairies at the bottom of our garden” ?

Posted by Big John on July 17, 2014

Well, I suppose that it’s possible ! … and this strange ring of little flowers could be the evidence …

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… for it reminded me of a poem from my childhood …

“There are fairies at the bottom of our garden!
They often have a dance on summer nights;
The butterflies and bees make a lovely little breeze,
And the rabbits stand about and hold the lights.”

… I just wish that the dirty little buggers would stop … 

… crapping on my lawn !                                        


 

 

Posted in humour, nostalgia | 3 Comments »

“Don’t worry, it’s only their council tax” !

Posted by Big John on July 12, 2014

Last Sunday I was surprised to find two letters on my doormat, as mail is not usually delivered on a Sunday. They were official looking envelopes bearing Royal Mail stamps and must have come by some sort of ‘special delivery’. One was addressed to me and one to my wife.

Blimey ! .. I thought. This must be really important stuff. In fact they were from the local council’s ‘Electoral Registration Officer’ to advise that .. “The way you register your vote is changing” .. and that .. “you have automatically been re-registered under the new system”. So why bloody bother to waste money telling us and thousands of other people like us ?

OK .. So these local bureaucrats do love to spend our money and this exercise must have cost a few thousand quid: but it didn’t end there !

Today two more ‘official looking’ Royal Mail envelopes appeared on the mat. They contained letters telling us that .. “Unfortunately, there was a mistake” .. in the previous letter. This minor ‘mistake’ did not effect us in any way. So, once again why bother !

The second letter was signed by the same bloke who signed the first one. His error must have cost a few more thousand pounds, but I bet that he his still in his job and is …

… looking forward to his ‘efficiency’ bonus !

Posted in political, rant | 2 Comments »

Does Willy wash-up ?

Posted by Big John on June 30, 2014

I see that the ‘do nothing duchess’ has got a new ‘title’ … “Three-Kitchen Katie” … Oh, come on ! .. Do people really believe that she does the cooking ?

It’s a bit like her old man not wanting to take on the ‘job’ of a ‘full-time royal’. Well, would you ? .. with all that .. luxury travel .. living in a palace (or two) .. being waited on ‘hand and foot’ .. non-stop exotic holidays .. etc. .. Oh! .. and shaking hands with lots of peasants loyal subjects.

Also in the news at the moment is our pampered Prince Charlie, who has been accused of using his privileged position to meddle in politics and try to influence government decisions. Apparently he is fond of writing to ministers in what are known as ‘black spider’ letters. Did no one tell him about brown paper envelopes full of cash ?

The Isle of Wight has just been honoured with a visit from the ‘Party Princess’ Beatrice, daughter of that prince of ‘freeloaders’ .. ‘Air-Miles’ Andy. Only this time he didn’t spend our money on a helicopter, he just ‘sent a gun-boat’. Yes, this parasite prince appears to have phoned his mates at the Admiralty and arranged for one of ‘er Maj’s warships to convey his dopey daughter to a ‘jolly’ at the HQ of the Royal Yacht Squadron at Cowes: thus saving us taxpayers the £17.50 ferry fare.

What with the above bad publicity and all the usual ’56p per head’ justification load of bollocks that appears in the press around this time every year; the damage limitation toadies at the palace seem to be slipping with only the tearful Harry diversion down in Brazil, which most people missed as the England fans were also crying as they said farewell to any chance of winning The World Cup.

What next ? .. Well, I guess that it’s about the time for Her Katieness to distract the whole nation our royal worshipers and produce that important…

…   ‘spare’ to the heir !

Posted in humour, rant | 3 Comments »

Some Sacred Sunrise !

Posted by Big John on June 23, 2014

You may have noticed that I have been missing for a few days, for around this time in the year I tend to go into ‘pagan’ mode due to the ‘Summer Solstice’.

Yes, I know ! … I’m an atheist, but something in my genes brings out the Druid in me when the ‘longest day’ comes around once again; and I have a strange desire to dress up in some white bed linen, slap on the old blue woad and head for the nearest henge.

Now the nearest ‘henge’, as far as I know, is the famous Stonehenge in Wiltshire, which is a bloody long walk from where I live, for it would not be in keeping to travel by modern transport, and some rotten sod has stolen the wheels off my chariot !

So, knowing that my ancient limbs would not take me as far as Salisbury Plain, I decided to make my own mini-henge out of ‘Lego’ and find a suitable spot to camp near to my home and to wait for that mystic dawn.

I must say that I drew some attention from the locals, dressed, as I was, in my flowing ‘robes’ and plastic holly headdress (I couldn’t find any mistletoe), with a couple of  drunken ‘skin-head’ types saluting me as a member of the Ku Klux Klan and a lady (at least, I think it was a lady) wearing a burka posing next to me for a ‘selfie’. Some passing kids then asked me if I was a new Arab Santa Claus before running off with some of my ‘Lego’.

At one point I attracted a bunch of scruffy gits from some sort of ‘rent a mob’ who wanted to join what they thought was my protest against fracking, but they lost interest and turned nasty when a female member of the group asked if I could translate her ‘Celtic’ tattoos, and I told her that what were ‘Germanic’ runes said that she was an “ugly fat tart”. This rather buggered-up my plans to have her and her tattooed girlfriends remove what few clothes they were wearing and dance around my campfire ‘skyclad’ as it is known to those wacky followers of  ‘Wicca’.

When planning where to erect my little plastic henge I made sure that I was close to a public loo and a supply of food and drink (unfortunately .. no mead), so I was a bit pissed off when a ‘jobsworth’ in a ‘hi-viz’ vest, informed me that I should remove myself from the area on the grounds of, Yes… You guessed it … ‘health and safety’ !

OK ! .. So it wasn’t such a good idea to hold my Solstice celebration in …

…   Sainsbury’s car park !

Posted in humour, religion | 4 Comments »

Here we go again. – Part Eight

Posted by Big John on June 13, 2014

These days it is not possible, in this country, to pick up a newspaper or turn on the TV news without seeing or hearing the words .. Muslim .. Islam .. Sharia Law .. Mosque .. Koran .. etc.

Recently these words have mostly been used in news stories about religion being taught in schools, although why there should be such a fuss made over the ‘brainwashing’ of young children in Islamic schools is beyond me, when the Roman Catholics, Jews and others have been doing it to youngsters for years !

Now the media has suddenly re-discovered the bloody mess that is the Middle East. You know, that part of the world which George Bush and Tony Blair opened up to ‘democracy’, and where the people so benefitted from ‘The Arab Spring’ !

Why has it, once again, hit the headlines ? .. Well, as if .. al-Qaeda .. Jihad .. Boko Haram .. etc. weren’t enough, the press has something new to scare the shit out of us … “ISIS” !

Not a very pleasant bunch of (religious) people ! .. but, then again, you should ‘be careful what you wish for’, when you meddle in matters you know very little about, so let us hope that President Obama (unlike old ‘Dubya’) knows a ‘Shia’ from a ‘Sunni’, when he utters such statements as …

…   “I don’t rule out anything” !

Posted in political, rant, religion | 4 Comments »

Dressing up for ‘D Day’!

Posted by Big John on June 10, 2014

When I was a young kid towards the end of World War 2, it was quite normal, on seeing an American serviceman, to shout … “Got any gum, chum?”.

Now President Obama has come in for some ‘stick’ for chewing gum at the recent D Day Commemoration ceremonies in Normandy.

No problem here ! … as most of those brave GI’s would have been doing the same as they stormed ashore on those bloody beaches.

At least he didn’t turn up dressed as a general on one day and as an admiral on another, as our Charlie did, to stand in front of British veterans, with his chest full of ‘Mickey Mouse’ medals given to him by his mum

… Need I say more ?

Posted in rant | 3 Comments »

Please note the name of the lawyer !

Posted by Big John on June 4, 2014

I seem to be getting an awful lot of ‘spam’ recently from ‘rehab’ clinics, ‘pill pushers’ and those who wish to increase the size of my old todger; so if you are offended by references to men’s naughty bits, please look away now ! .. If not, and you want a bloody good laugh, please read …

….  THIS REPORT !:-)

Posted in humour | 4 Comments »

Don’t expect Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh.

Posted by Big John on May 28, 2014

An old English prayer goes something along these lines …

… “From the Fury of the Northmen deliver us, O Lord” …

… but having just watched the first two episodes of the ‘History Channel’ series ‘Vikings‘, I have to say that, with so little to watch on TV these days, I thank Odin for giving us this saga about a bunch of scruffy Scandinavian seafarers and smelly shieldmaidens.

It all looks authentic, with not a horned helmet in sight, just dodgy haircuts and lots of dirty bits. Yes, the characters certainly seem to live up to the description by an Arab emissary who met a group of Vikings, and described them as .. “The filthiest of Allah’s creatures: they do not wash after shitting or peeing, nor after sexual intercourse, and do not wash after eating.”

I do enjoy a good ‘historical’ drama, and, as not much is known about this period of history, there is not too much that can be criticised in this production, which is based on history and myth; and even in the ‘Anglo-Saxon Chronicle’ it reports that .. “the harrying of the heathen miserably destroyed God’s church in Lindisfarne by rapine and slaughter” .. so all that bloody slashing and hacking at those poor old monks was probably a realistic depiction of a raid by Ragnar and his filthy followers. No wonder the petrified priests and people of the time intoned that old prayer.

Oh! .. and before I forget. This show comes with a big bonus. For unlike so many TV dramas these days, you can hear every word the actors say and see all the action, even when it takes place …

… ‘in the dark’ !   

Posted in humour, religion | 2 Comments »

 
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