Posted by Big John on December 16, 2014
I suppose that I must have imagined it, but didn’t I once, not so long ago, hear a
lying basta… government minister tell us that our troops would never return to Iraq and that there would never again be any British ‘boots on the ground’ in Middle Eastern conflicts ?
Now it’s been
revealed rumoured that British Special Forces have conducted a series of attacks and are believed to have killed hundreds of ‘IS’ jihadis. It has also been announced that we will be sending hundreds of our soldiers to train Iraqi recruits, and that the USA has announced that it is committing 1,500 troops in the same role, while up to 400 Australian soldiers and 100 German (Blimey !) personnel will also be involved.
Umm ?.. Training? .. Why am I reminded about Vietnam, all those American ‘advisors’, and that old joke about rifles issued to the American trained ARVN (South Vietnamese Army) which where sold as army surplus and labelled ..
… “Never been fired and only dropped once” !
Posted in humour, political, rant | 4 Comments »
Posted by Big John on December 13, 2014
Ever heard of .. ‘Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response’ .. ? .. No, me neither !
Well, if you really want to know what a ‘bonkers’ world we now live in, you couldn’t find a better example than the thousands of people who claim to experience pleasure from listening to whispers and scratchy noises in a bizarre phenomenon known as ‘A.S.M.R’. Some even claim to go all tingly when watching someone folding towels.
No, I’m not making this up … Read about it … Here !
One thing that you can be sure of is that once the ‘alternative therapy’ merchants get in on the act, these ‘susceptible individuals’ will soon be listening to the ‘scratchy noise’ of someone else counting what had previously been …
… their money !
Posted in humour, rant | 1 Comment »
Posted by Big John on December 7, 2014
According to a recent survey only a third of schools now stage traditional nativity plays at Christmas, complete with Mary, Joseph, shepherds and wise men. Others perform modern alternatives without religious references. Some include space-men, fairies, and even Elvis !
Now it may seem strange that this old atheist, who welcomes the latest news that Britain is fast becoming a more secular society, is saddened by the demise of that annual event when small children appeared ‘on stage’ dressed in bed sheets, towels and sandals, forgot their ‘lines’, shuffled about, pushed each other, fell over, burst into tears and waved to their mums and dads in the audience; but to me, all those years ago, it was a tradition to be enjoyed along with Santa Claus and old time pantomimes.
Of course, for those parents whose kids still take part in such performances, they no longer have to ‘raid’ the linen cupboard for their ‘Judean’ robes thanks to supermarkets and online retailers offering cheap, mass-produced nativity costumes.
… Wouldn’t you know it ?
Posted in family, humour, nostalgia, religion | 1 Comment »
Posted by Big John on November 26, 2014
In previous posts I have often had a little moan about how American customs have found their way ‘across the pond’.
OK, so some can be related to British festivals, and as much as I dislike the ‘import’, ‘Trick or Treat’ does have some connection with our own Halloween: but how do you show this country’s connection to most of our other new ‘traditions’, such as those ‘celeb’ style school proms and those bizarre junior beauty pageants ?
Now I have just read, that an increase in the sale of turkeys during this month has been due to the fact that some families in this country now celebrate Thanksgiving with a traditional American meal.
I’m not sure if I believe this to be true, but if it is, then you can bet ‘your bottom dollar’ that, right at this moment, some smart-arse marketing man is planning a UK ‘Stars and Stripes’ campaign for next year’s …
… Fourth of July !
Posted in humour, rant | 6 Comments »
Posted by Big John on November 18, 2014
I know that this must sound strange to many people, but I can remember when Christmas started … at Christmas ! .. Not, as I recently read … “during August” !
When I was a young child nothing much happened in our house until Christmas Eve apart from my dad ‘dispatching’ one of our chickens in the back yard and hanging it in the coal cellar (Yes, that’s where the meat was kept). Later my mum would pluck it and prepare it for Christmas dinner. To most people, in those days, ‘Turkey’ meant a place where they made strange smelling cigarettes.
On Christmas Eve my dad would bring home a small fir tree of some kind, which had probably been growing alongside the railway track where he had been working that day. He would also have with him a sack containing a limited assortment of fruit and nuts. No one ever asked where they came from, as wartime rationing (which continued for long after WWII) meant that an orange was something to be marvelled at: and I well remember that the first time I saw a banana I thought it was some sort of sausage.
From inside his overcoat pocket he would produce a bottle of Scotch whisky, which would have recently been ‘under the counter’ of the local off-licence (liquor store), which was run by one of his mates. He would return to the store later to pick up a crate of ‘Guinness’ and a bottle of ‘Tizer’ for me. Wine was far too ‘posh’ and was limited to sherry or port if any could be found.
My task was to make the paper chains, which I did with my mum’s help. She cut up the coloured paper and I glued the strips together with home-made paste, which didn’t always stick. Holly would be hung all over the place: and I suspect that this came from the same place as the little fir tree, which would soon be decorated with a few ‘antique’ glass baubles and some tatty tinsel.
My grandmother lived in the same street as us, and was a bit like a fairy godmother when Christmas came around, for not only did she make Christmas puddings for all the family, but somehow, managed to come up with a few extra goodies, mostly supplied by a local butcher (we never found out how she blackmailed him), and various friendly ‘black-market’ contacts. A few items had been ‘liberated’ by
dodgy members of our gallant allies, the United States Army.
On Christmas Eve I would hang up a pair of my dad’s long woollen socks, snuggle down under the blankets, watch the shadows on the wall made by a glowing fire and wish: but I never did get …
… that bloody train set !
Posted in family, humour, nostalgia | 5 Comments »
Posted by Big John on November 12, 2014
Someone has discovered another gospel, which tells us that Jesus was married and had children: and, Guess what ? .. Someone has written a book all about his married life which they
hope pray will be a best seller.
Blimey ! .. There’s nothing new in this tale, authors have been writing about this for years. Amongst many others were the naughty old Rev. Phipps, who wrote ‘The Sex Life of Jesus’, the title of which was changed to ‘Was Jesus Married?’, Baigent, Leigh, and Lincoln who wrote ‘The Holy Blood and The Holy Grail’, and, of course Dan Brown who came up with that load of old cobblers .. ‘The Da Vinci Code’.
Now I won’t go into all the nonsense surrounding this theory, as you can read all about it here: but what I will say is that if Jesus did exist, this nice Jewish boy would have had an almost daily Aramaic ear-bashing from his mother, which would have gone something like this …
“What’s the matter with you Yeshua ?” … “You’re a grown man already, and you can’t find a nice Jewish girl to marry ?” …
“It’s all the fault of those twelve layabouts who you hang around with and that red-headed harlot from Magdala” …
“Why can’t you be more like your brothers and sisters? .. OK ! So you had a different dad: but you will never be a proper rabbi if you don’t marry and have kids” …
“Besides, a handsome lad like you would be a fine catch for some girl. Just tidy yourself up a bit and get a haircut.” …
“Oy vey! the wedding will cost a fortune. Maybe you could do that trick with the water and the wine: and perhaps the caterer who did your bar mitzvah will give us a discount ?”
Of course he was most definitely…
… married !
Posted in humour, religion | 3 Comments »
Posted by Big John on October 30, 2014
I know, this heading is unusual, as this grumpy old git, usually rants and moans at this time of year, not about the traditional festival, but about that ‘import’ from the USA … ‘Trick or bloody Treat’ !
So why is this year different ? … Simple answer … Attrition ! … Which the dictionary defines as … “a wearing down or weakening of resistance, especially as a result of continuous pressure or harassment“. In other words I have been ‘swamped’ by all the commercialism, which seems to have multiplied one hundred fold this year, with TV and newspapers churning out ‘creepy’ ads and advice on how to have a ghoulish great time.
My local Sainsbury’s supermarket is stacked out with pumpkins, and it’s aisles have been full of Trick or Treat ‘tat’ for weeks. On my visit to the store earlier this week two very small children nearly crashed into me as they raced down the aisle waving orange ‘pumpkin’ buckets and screaming … “TRICK or TREAT !” .. “TRICK or TREAT !” … I’m sure that they did not have a clue what Halloween is all about; and you can bet that …
… their bat brained parents don’t either !
Posted in humour, rant | 2 Comments »
Posted by Big John on October 22, 2014
Now it may come as quite a shock to you, but this old atheist has to confess that he was once blessed by the Pope !
How did this come about ? … I hear you ask.
Well it must have been about 35 years ago when I was visiting the Vatican. (Don’t you just love this Swiss Guard’s outfit ?)
The Vatican ! .. So was it a private audience with the Pontiff ?
Well, not quite, as there were a few other people in attendance.
In fact, there were bloody thousands of people with me in Saint Peter’s Square, all excitedly shouting “Il Papa!” and waving their hankies. In fact, a nun standing next to me was so excited that she was facing the wrong way and waving at an empty balcony in the Basilica as a window opened in another building, someone hung out a carpet, and a figure in white appeared.
So what about my blessing … ? … Well it was hardly …
.. “Up close and personal” ..
Posted in humour, nostalgia, religion | 4 Comments »