bigjohn

There is many a good tune played on an old fiddle.

  • Warning! Elderly Person Blogging

    elderly1.jpg

    Creative Commons License
    This work is licensed under a Creative Commons License.

    t-blogger.jpg

    lion-2.jpg

  • Awarded by Terri. Click below for 'Island Writer'.

  • My Life and Times

    I was born in 1939 BC. That's 'Before Computers'. Luckily I survived the following events in my life, such as World War II, The London Blitz, Rationing, and worst of all... Archbishop Temple's School.

    me-poster.jpg

    me-r-book.jpg

    a-b-t-1.jpg

    During the mid 1950s I was enjoying Rock 'n' Roll and being a first generation teenager, when suddenly, just like Elvis, I found myself in uniform during 'The Cold War'...and then

    copy-me-rr.jpg

    me-w-badge.jpg

    wed-baby.jpg

    I became 'a family'. Which meant that I sort of missed the 'swinging sixties', but still managed to look a complete prat in the 70s, just like everyone else.

    copy-of-70s.jpg

    me-pit.jpg

    golf-dinner.jpg

    During the 'Thatcher Years' I lost my hair and a lot of people lost a good deal more. My career fluctuated to say the least as I was demoted, promoted, fired and hired a number of times, but still I managed to stagger on into a welcome retirement and to celebrate 50 years of happy marriage.
  • July 2014
    M T W T F S S
    « Jun    
     123456
    78910111213
    14151617181920
    21222324252627
    28293031  
  • Meta

  • RSS Validated.

    valid-rss.png
  • Enter your email address to follow this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

    Join 47 other followers

Archive for the ‘humour’ Category

What happened to .. “Be quiet and face the front!” .. ?

Posted by Big John on July 22, 2014

I remember reading somewhere that some nutters believed that children should not be taught to read, because if you put a group of them in a room full of books somehow they would teach themselves.

Now I see that so-called ‘child-centred’ teaching methods characterised as allowing pupils to proceed at their own pace and make discoveries independent of the teacher, and where children are often left to work alone or in small groups, taking “responsibility for their own learning” are back in fashion.

In other words teachers do not take charge, direct lessons and set pupils structured tasks, but let the kids piss about all day, “like” mumbling to “like” each other and “like” texting their mates “innit“.

No wonder so many youngsters leave school illiterate, innumerate and without a clue about life in the ‘real world’: and would you believe it ? … The majority of  ‘Ofsted’ school inspectors favour this daft method, and .. “are prejudiced against more teacher-led alternatives”. However, their boss says that 60s-style “child-centred’ teaching damaged generations of schoolchildren. I bet it did !

I was educated during the 1940′s and 50′s. I didn’t think much of it at the time; but I guess …

… I was just lucky !

Posted in humour, rant | 4 Comments »

Are there “Fairies at the bottom of our garden” ?

Posted by Big John on July 17, 2014

Well, I suppose that it’s possible ! … and this strange ring of little flowers could be the evidence …

IMG_0002

… for it reminded me of a poem from my childhood …

“There are fairies at the bottom of our garden!
They often have a dance on summer nights;
The butterflies and bees make a lovely little breeze,
And the rabbits stand about and hold the lights.”

… I just wish that the dirty little buggers would stop … 

… crapping on my lawn !                                        


 

 

Posted in humour, nostalgia | 3 Comments »

Does Willy wash-up ?

Posted by Big John on June 30, 2014

I see that the ‘do nothing duchess’ has got a new ‘title’ … “Three-Kitchen Katie” … Oh, come on ! .. Do people really believe that she does the cooking ?

It’s a bit like her old man not wanting to take on the ‘job’ of a ‘full-time royal’. Well, would you ? .. with all that .. luxury travel .. living in a palace (or two) .. being waited on ‘hand and foot’ .. non-stop exotic holidays .. etc. .. Oh! .. and shaking hands with lots of peasants loyal subjects.

Also in the news at the moment is our pampered Prince Charlie, who has been accused of using his privileged position to meddle in politics and try to influence government decisions. Apparently he is fond of writing to ministers in what are known as ‘black spider’ letters. Did no one tell him about brown paper envelopes full of cash ?

The Isle of Wight has just been honoured with a visit from the ‘Party Princess’ Beatrice, daughter of that prince of ‘freeloaders’ .. ‘Air-Miles’ Andy. Only this time he didn’t spend our money on a helicopter, he just ‘sent a gun-boat’. Yes, this parasite prince appears to have phoned his mates at the Admiralty and arranged for one of ‘er Maj’s warships to convey his dopey daughter to a ‘jolly’ at the HQ of the Royal Yacht Squadron at Cowes: thus saving us taxpayers the £17.50 ferry fare.

What with the above bad publicity and all the usual ’56p per head’ justification load of bollocks that appears in the press around this time every year; the damage limitation toadies at the palace seem to be slipping with only the tearful Harry diversion down in Brazil, which most people missed as the England fans were also crying as they said farewell to any chance of winning The World Cup.

What next ? .. Well, I guess that it’s about the time for Her Katieness to distract the whole nation our royal worshipers and produce that important…

…   ‘spare’ to the heir !

Posted in humour, rant | 3 Comments »

Some Sacred Sunrise !

Posted by Big John on June 23, 2014

You may have noticed that I have been missing for a few days, for around this time in the year I tend to go into ‘pagan’ mode due to the ‘Summer Solstice’.

Yes, I know ! … I’m an atheist, but something in my genes brings out the Druid in me when the ‘longest day’ comes around once again; and I have a strange desire to dress up in some white bed linen, slap on the old blue woad and head for the nearest henge.

Now the nearest ‘henge’, as far as I know, is the famous Stonehenge in Wiltshire, which is a bloody long walk from where I live, for it would not be in keeping to travel by modern transport, and some rotten sod has stolen the wheels off my chariot !

So, knowing that my ancient limbs would not take me as far as Salisbury Plain, I decided to make my own mini-henge out of ‘Lego’ and find a suitable spot to camp near to my home and to wait for that mystic dawn.

I must say that I drew some attention from the locals, dressed, as I was, in my flowing ‘robes’ and plastic holly headdress (I couldn’t find any mistletoe), with a couple of  drunken ‘skin-head’ types saluting me as a member of the Ku Klux Klan and a lady (at least, I think it was a lady) wearing a burka posing next to me for a ‘selfie’. Some passing kids then asked me if I was a new Arab Santa Claus before running off with some of my ‘Lego’.

At one point I attracted a bunch of scruffy gits from some sort of ‘rent a mob’ who wanted to join what they thought was my protest against fracking, but they lost interest and turned nasty when a female member of the group asked if I could translate her ‘Celtic’ tattoos, and I told her that what were ‘Germanic’ runes said that she was an “ugly fat tart”. This rather buggered-up my plans to have her and her tattooed girlfriends remove what few clothes they were wearing and dance around my campfire ‘skyclad’ as it is known to those wacky followers of  ‘Wicca’.

When planning where to erect my little plastic henge I made sure that I was close to a public loo and a supply of food and drink (unfortunately .. no mead), so I was a bit pissed off when a ‘jobsworth’ in a ‘hi-viz’ vest, informed me that I should remove myself from the area on the grounds of, Yes… You guessed it … ‘health and safety’ !

OK ! .. So it wasn’t such a good idea to hold my Solstice celebration in …

…   Sainsbury’s car park !

Posted in humour, religion | 4 Comments »

Please note the name of the lawyer !

Posted by Big John on June 4, 2014

I seem to be getting an awful lot of ‘spam’ recently from ‘rehab’ clinics, ‘pill pushers’ and those who wish to increase the size of my old todger; so if you are offended by references to men’s naughty bits, please look away now ! .. If not, and you want a bloody good laugh, please read …

….  THIS REPORT !:-)

Posted in humour | 4 Comments »

Don’t expect Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh.

Posted by Big John on May 28, 2014

An old English prayer goes something along these lines …

… “From the Fury of the Northmen deliver us, O Lord” …

… but having just watched the first two episodes of the ‘History Channel’ series ‘Vikings‘, I have to say that, with so little to watch on TV these days, I thank Odin for giving us this saga about a bunch of scruffy Scandinavian seafarers and smelly shieldmaidens.

It all looks authentic, with not a horned helmet in sight, just dodgy haircuts and lots of dirty bits. Yes, the characters certainly seem to live up to the description by an Arab emissary who met a group of Vikings, and described them as .. “The filthiest of Allah’s creatures: they do not wash after shitting or peeing, nor after sexual intercourse, and do not wash after eating.”

I do enjoy a good ‘historical’ drama, and, as not much is known about this period of history, there is not too much that can be criticised in this production, which is based on history and myth; and even in the ‘Anglo-Saxon Chronicle’ it reports that .. “the harrying of the heathen miserably destroyed God’s church in Lindisfarne by rapine and slaughter” .. so all that bloody slashing and hacking at those poor old monks was probably a realistic depiction of a raid by Ragnar and his filthy followers. No wonder the petrified priests and people of the time intoned that old prayer.

Oh! .. and before I forget. This show comes with a big bonus. For unlike so many TV dramas these days, you can hear every word the actors say and see all the action, even when it takes place …

… ‘in the dark’ !   

Posted in humour, religion | 2 Comments »

Melancholy Morons.

Posted by Big John on May 20, 2014

Every day I feel more out of touch with modern life, or perhaps I should say, out of touch with the behaviour of other people in this world of  ‘faux’ emotion, hysterical reaction and undignified and often aggressive behaviour in public.

At the risk of sounding a more grumpy old sod than usual, I must say that I am sick to death of turning on my TV only to be greeted with the sight of the weeping winners of cookery competitions, the crying losers of so-called talent shows, the non-stop screaming of the audiences, ‘celeb’ judges biting their trembling lips, big tough football (soccer) ‘heroes’ wiping away their tears, complete strangers hugging and kissing, and people applauding coffins at funerals. I have to wonder how long it will be before we see an undertaker ‘high-fiving’ a row of mourners ?

Now, there is nothing wrong in showing your true emotions or affection for others. I just think that very many people today can’t see that the ‘reality’ nonsense shown on TV is just that ! .. ‘nonsense’ ! .. and so they feel that they must publicly ‘fall apart’ at every opportunity; or, even worse, ‘worship’ at some roadside ‘grief-lite’ shrine to someone they never knew. Blimey ! .. Recently some nutters even called for the erection of a roadside memorial to a truck load of chickens killed in a traffic accident !

I must admit that I am not a ‘touchy-feely’ person and reserve my hugs and kisses for ‘my nearest and dearest’, for I am a ‘remnant’ of an age when a handshake was a normal greeting. It was also the way in which sportsmen and others congratulated each other; and wearing black and showing self-restraint was how one displayed respect for the dead.

I think that I had better stop now, and go for a lie down as I feel …

… a ‘stiff upper lip’ coming on !   …   ;-)

Posted in humour, nostalgia, rant | 4 Comments »

“Now, what did I want ?”

Posted by Big John on May 8, 2014

Can someone please explain why so many people visit their local supermarket without a shopping list ? Each time that I am in Sainsbury’s I hear some trolley (cart) pushing partner asking their companion … “Do we have any butter in the fridge ?” or … “Do we need more sugar ?” …

… and it’s not just old farts like me who are at it, for around the corner in almost every aisle is some young mum hanging on to a little brat with one hand, as she presses her smart phone to her ear with the other and enquires … “Should I get another pack of sausages?”…

…  or the lady in the booze section, with a voice trained to ‘frighten the horses’ who insists that everyone in the store should be aware that she is not sure if there is .. “any more of that delightful little Côtes du Rhône left in the cellar?”.

Yesterday, before I even got out of my car, I heard someone in the carpark asking … “Do we need any bread today?”

Blimey ! .. It’s not ‘rocket science’, all you need is a pencil and paper and a quick look in the freezer and kitchen cupboards before you leave home.

No wonder I see so many people ‘just popping in’ to the store to pick up ‘one or two items’. I suppose that they have to, otherwise at every mealtime you would hear … “Pass the …

… Oh! .. I forgot to get some.” 

Posted in humour, rant | 6 Comments »

 
Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 47 other followers