bigjohn

There is many a good tune played on an old fiddle.

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  • My Life and Times

    I was born in 1939 BC. That's 'Before Computers'. Luckily I survived the following events in my life, such as World War II, The London Blitz, Rationing, and worst of all... Archbishop Temple's School.

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    During the mid 1950s I was enjoying Rock 'n' Roll and being a first generation teenager, when suddenly, just like Elvis, I found myself in uniform during 'The Cold War'...and then

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    I became 'a family'. Which meant that I sort of missed the 'swinging sixties', but still managed to look a complete prat in the 70s, just like everyone else.

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    During the 'Thatcher Years' I lost my hair and a lot of people lost a good deal more. My career fluctuated to say the least as I was demoted, promoted, fired and hired a number of times, but still I managed to stagger on into a welcome retirement and to celebrate 50 years of happy marriage.
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Archive for February, 2011

Pampered prince’s pervert pal.

Posted by Big John on February 28, 2011

Just when I thought the press were starting to drown us all in the sickly syrup of that wedding and the new “People’s Princess” (who can actually shake hands and say “Hello” ), when up pops a story about another member of the old Saxe-Coberg-Gotha clan that just makes my day.

No, it’s not the one about the bleary-eyed ‘ginger spare’ falling out of another nightclub, or about toe sucking Fergie claiming that she “went to find the lotus flower within” (the mind boggles), but about her ex-old man and the company he keeps.

It seems that the fifth in line to the throne has some very dodgy mates indeed, including (can you believe) Saif Gaddafi and Timor Kulibayev, billionaire son-in-law of the President of Kazakhstan, who just happened to buy ‘Air Miles Andy’s’ old home for £3 million more than it was worth at the time.

Now it seems that ‘HBS’.. His Buffoon Highness’s judgment is under scrutiny because of his friendship with convicted sex offender and billionaire, Jeffrey Epstein.

Epstein was jailed for soliciting underage prostitutes, after the mother of a 14-year-old girl came forward in 2005 and accused him of sexually assaulting her daughter. Forty other teenage girls had similar stories to tell, saying they were ordered to carry out massages, during which some claimed to have been sexually molested.

Now Randy Andy’s links with Epstein have been exposed in reports revealing invitations to Windsor Castle and Sandringham, which were reciprocated most recently with a five-day visit to Epstein’s Manhattan home.

Oh dear ! .. It looks like the Duke of Pork’s jet-setting role as trade envoy is now being questioned after he spent time with 17-year-old Virginia Roberts who was hired by his paedophile friend as an “erotic masseuse”.

So what can this pompous prince do now ?

Well he does have two daughters, so I expect him to do what ‘er Maj’s mob usually do when ‘the shit hits the fan’ … Call out the ‘Buck House’ damage limitation squad to spin some good publicity which the royal worshipping masses will fall for.

So I wouldn’t mind betting on hearing ….

…. more royal wedding bells soon. :-(

Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

“Unidentified item in the bagging area !”

Posted by Big John on February 26, 2011

Although I’m an old fart I pride myself on the fact that I do pretty well when it comes to understanding and using most modern technology. I recently bought a ‘state of the art’ touch screen computer and have managed to find my way around it’s many programs and features without too much trouble, even if I’ll never use half of them.

I manage OK at automatic check-in desks and touch screen ATMs, so why is it that when I try to use Sainsbury’s ‘do-it-yourself’ check-outs that bloody women always SHOUTS at me …

as if I’m an idiot ? :-(

Posted in humour, rant | 7 Comments »

‘Dave of the Desert’.

Posted by Big John on February 24, 2011

With impeccable timing David Cameron is in the Middle East at the moment accompanied by a gang of .. arms dealers .. weapons manufacturers .. gun runners .. defence contractors, trying to drum up some business for our hard-pressed bombs and bullets industry.

I won’t dwell on this as the newspapers and TV have got it well covered. However, I must say that the pictures of our Prime Minister meeting men wearing tablecloths and fan belts on their heads reminds me of the time back in the 1980’s when London was full of rich Arabs and the company which I worked for at that time was keen to do business with them.

I can’t remember how the meeting came about, but one day I found myself in a large mansion which was situated in one of the posher parts of London. The house was very grand but had seen better days, and the interior, as far as I could see, was devoid of furniture.

I was shown into a large room by an elderly bearded man wearing a black patch over one eye. He was dressed like an extra from the film “Lawrence of Arabia”. Half a dozen similar looking Bedouin types were sitting on cushions which were placed around the edge of a most beautiful carpet. I was invited to sit and the man with the eye patch offered me a small glass of tea. He seemed to be some sort of butler, although I had never before seen a butler with a bloody great dagger hanging from his belt.

Now I don’t speak a word of Arabic, and judging by the way my hosts were chatting with each other none of them seemed to speak any English. This problem was solved when a young man wearing an ‘Armani’ suit entered the room and introduced himself in perfect English, after first greeting the gentlemen seated around the room in some traditional manner.

I could not believe that I was still in London as what followed was more like haggling in a Middle Eastern souk than the sort of business negotiations I was used to. It took bloody ages, I was way ‘out of my depth’, and an awful lot got ‘lost in translation’.

The final deal was struck by my boss and the ‘Armani Arab’, in the American Bar at London’s Savoy Hotel, while I waited in the lounge. I’m not sure exactly what went on, but I hope that our Dave has pockets stuffed full of …

… brown paper envelopes.

Posted in humour, nostalgia, political | 3 Comments »

“DIY ? Nobody told me mate”.

Posted by Big John on February 22, 2011

A couple of weeks ago I received letters and emails from both my domestic electricity and gas suppliers saying that if I wished to avoid estimated quarterly bills and have my monthly payments adjusted to a realistic figure I should telephone my meter readings to an 0800 number or register them on-line.

This sounded like a good idea to me as my bills were nearly always estimated and incorrect, and the meter readers usually knocked at my door halfway through my breakfast, or when ‘she who must be obeyed’ is in the shower and I’m still snoring my head off.

So, I registered my meter readings on-line at the utility companies’ websites, and by return received polite emails thanking me for my co-operation.

Today, in the post, I received an electricity usage statement showing that the supplier owes me £80 ($125) and one from the gas company showing that I owe them £150 ($230). OK, so it’s “swings and roundabouts”, but strangely neither company adjusted my monthly payments.

I had just read these bills and was halfway through my second cup of coffee when the doorbell rang. I opened the door and guess who was standing there ? …

Yes, you guessed it ….

… a bloody meter reader !

Posted in humour, rant | 5 Comments »

Nutty Prince Charlie.

Posted by Big John on February 20, 2011

Joke of the week is that Charlie our ‘Prince of Weirds’ wants to be known as the “Defender of Nature”. In fact he is now patron of the ‘Red Squirrel Survival Trust’.

Do you think that this new-found concern for our native wildlife will lead to him founding the … 

…    ‘Grouse, Pheasant and Partridge Survival Trust’ ?

Posted in humour, rant | 4 Comments »

Reggae-loving rodent.

Posted by Big John on February 18, 2011

What will they complain about next I wonder ? We seem to have a group of people in this country who will whinge and object about almost anything, including children’s TV.

Yes, the latest ‘racist’ programme on the BBC is … ‘Rastamouse’ !

Come on ! ..It’s entertainment for little kids of three or four years of age, and one of it’s creators is himself a black Rastafarian.

Rastamouse was launched on the BBC CBeebies channel as an animated series with particular appeal to young Afro-Caribbean children, and is based on the popular childrens’ books.

It appears that not only do some people think it racist, but they fear that their children will pick up the West Indian patois … and dat’s a bad ting.

What a load of old cobblers ! … When my daughter was young, one of her favourite TV shows was ‘Speedy Gonzales’, and she didn’t grow up …

… sounding like a Mexican.

Posted in humour, rant | 5 Comments »

Government by gimmick.

Posted by Big John on February 16, 2011

Today our country is governed by a bunch of crooks professional politicians who for the most part have no experience of actual work and little knowledge of the ‘real world’, as can be demonstrated by our Tory ‘toff’ Prime Minister from ‘Planet Dave’ as he tries to ‘spin’ us his latest gimmick … “The Big Society”. (I wonder what happened to his other great idea for a voluntary “national citizen service” ?)

I won’t go into details of “Call me Dave’s” proposals, as they are well covered from all angles on TV and in the press, but I must say that his presentation made me want to puke as this Eton educated ex-member of the Bullingdon Dining Club did his shirt sleeved ‘man of the people’ act once again. Someone should tell him that Eva Peron invented this trick to give her dictator husband a new ‘image’.

I do like the idea that people should be more involved in running certain aspects of our country, but I suspect that “The Big Society” will be no more effective than the “Back to Basics” campaign of 1993, and I’m sorry to say that the words …

… “deckchairs” and “Titanic” keep springing to mind.

Posted in humour, political, rant | 3 Comments »

Her “Funny Valentine”.

Posted by Big John on February 13, 2011

I am totally confused by this story of a sex change ex-fireman and his new “bride” !

Surely if you are going to change your sex from male to female, it is because you need to live your life as a woman. So why ‘marry’ a woman and not a man ? If you want a relationship with a woman you could stay as you are and remain equipped for the task.

It’s the same with gay men and women who fancy members of their own gender, but only when they take on the appearance of the opposite sex.

OK, I know that men and women are attracted to each other for all sorts of reasons and that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, but surely if you are attracted to members of your own sex your ideal partner would be the most handsome and masculine in the case of men, and the most feminine and beautiful in the case of women.

Apart from one or two pats on the knee and being a fan of the ‘now departed’ .. ‘Creepy Lesbo’, my experience of the homosexual world is very limited, although I did once have a great night out with a couple of gay friends at a very .. very .. strange bar in Benidorm (don’t ask !), but then this hardly qualifies me as an expert on this complex subject. So perhaps some kind person …

… can enlighten me … ?

Posted in humour | 3 Comments »

 
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