The joys of ‘the open road’.

Having now returned from my trip ‘Oop north’ I have to say that I have had enough of motorways for a while; for I had forgotten in the few years since I stopped travelling the length and breadth of the country in the course of my work, just what a nightmare they can be.

Before starting my journey I checked on one of the route planning websites to see what the driving time was from my home in East Kent to my first destination in Cheshire. It was estimated to be around four and a half hours using the M1 motorway … It took me seven bleedin’ hours  … and the M1 was closed ! 

Now I will say that there have been some developments in our motorway network, one of which is the new interchange at the junction of the A2 road from Kent and London’s orbital motorway, but all this has done is to improve the access to the longest car park in the world, commonly known as the bloody M25.

As I headed from the M25 across the country to avoid the chaos of the northbound M1, so did ’millions’ of other poor frustrated buggers who, like me, crawled through the East Midlands viewing the pretty blue flashing lights of the traffic police as they reflected in the broken glass and plastic of many a rear end shunt.

 “There but for the grace of … ” I reflected as I at last pulled into a service area for a late breakfast. Eggs and bacon and a cup of coffee will do nicely, I thought; but I was to be disappointed, for you can no longer buy a simple breakfast or a plain cup of coffee when you are foolish enough to stop at a motorway service area.

Now it’s all Burger King, KFC, McDonald’s and the like, where the nearest thing to breakfast is three or four greasy pieces of different coloured ‘rubber’ in a bun. The limited alternative is the ‘hot food’ counter where instead of being able to choose a couple of items from the griddle and a slice of toast, you are confronted with … ‘The Mega Giaganto All Day Big Jumbo Gutbuster’ breakfast … at a ‘Super Size’ price !

My request for a cup of coffee brought a bemused look to the face of the young woman behind the ‘Costa’ counter; or was it Starbucks, Primo, or some other purveyor of overpriced beverages. I reviewed the bewildering selection of drinks on the price list and settled for a glass (plastic) of orange juice which claimed to contain the juice of no less than twelve oranges. One half the size (and half the price) would have been more than enough.

The highlight of my journey was being able to avoid the arsehole of England by taking the Midlands Expressway around Birmingham. This toll road opened in 2004, and to travel on it costs £4.50 ($9) to cover 27 miles, which works out at about 16.5 pence per mile. Now that’s what …

…    I call value for money !