'Warning ! This film contains scenes ...'

I’ve always enjoyed watching movies, even though I have not visited a cinema since they became places for munching, slurping and chatting your bloody head off.

In the old days I would happily queue in the rain outside one of the many local cinemas to see the big stars of the silver screen in films that could entertain and thrill; and what’s more I could hear every line of dialogue, recognise every actor and see all the action.

Now as I sit in my comfortable armchair, I have a choice of several movie channels showing films which have me reaching for the off button on the remote after only a few minutes, because … I can’t hear the actors above the background traffic noise or music … I can’t tell one actor from another.. or .. The action takes place in the dark.

Other things that piss me off are … Actors urinating (no pun intended) while having a conversation … someone throwing up .. and .. weeping women with runny noses. These now seem to be ‘a must’ in most modern films. 

I know that I’ve ranted on about this before, but things seem to be getting worse, with louder THUMPING music … more non stop ”mother f*****g” ’gangsta’ patois … dozens of lookalike actors: in fact so many that even the TV guides have to remind us who they are, with … Norma Snockers (Baywatch) or Tim Berdick (Desperate Housewives) etc. and if it’s not pitch black on screen then it must be because the actors are starkers, and we must be able to see every mole and pimple on every bum and boob.

Yes, good old ’rumpy-pumpy’ takes up more and more screen time and generally has little to do with the plot: so why bother ? If people really want to watch what goes on behind bedroom doors, then there is porn aplenty on the internet to suite every taste .

I’m afraid I still prefer those long gone cinema days when you had to imagine what happened when the bedroom door closed, or the waves crashed on the beach, and the audience thought that an ‘orgasm’ was …

…    the music played during the intermission.